For The Heart Cries

March 5,1994 "We all have faults we haven't even used yet."                         Walter Kelly   -    Pogo Starting this journal has been a blessing, since it has allowed me to relieve some of the frustrations, anger and uncertainties I have about the divorce and the people involved. What has also helped is the realization that suicide is my salvation - the simple solution to the torments that have ravished me these past three months.  Sometimes at night the thoughts of suicide can calm me and help me sleep. It is important that I write this fact, I have never touched Maggie in anger nor have I ever been verbally abusive. We had our share of arguments and disagreements but none ever got out of control. And when peace returned we would hug, kiss and apologize. My faults are many but abuse, in all its ugly forms, is not one of them. Some of my faults, basically I am a loner which for obvious r...

March 4, 1994 "Do not wait for the last judgment, it takes place every day."                                                         Albert Camus Today is the saddest, most depressing and uncertain day of my entire life. I've packed a few belongings and am out of the house - never to return except to get the rest of my stuff by May 15th. I took the long walk from the front door to my car door, glancing back but once to see Andy and Yoyo looking at me from the hallway window. I cried. No longer are they my companions of joy and comfort. Grief and death are my new companions. The shattering and shivering sadness that I have felt for most of the day has now been replaced with anger, bitterness and hatred.  Never have I felt such hatred as I now have towards Maggie, Deb and Jeannie, their fat bitch fried from Connecticut. I have probably ...

March 3, 1994 "Do not judge others and God will not judge you. Do not condemn others and God will not condemn you. Forgive others and God will forgive you."                                                                           Gospel of Luke I believe Mimi and I got married this day in 1970, by a Justice of the Peace in Dade City, Florida - witnessed by our good friends John and Kay. If I haven't ask for a divorce a few years later, we would be celebrating twenty-four years together. "IF" - my whole life has been one "if" after another. I am so tired of that word, even writing it is a chore. But anyway, I think of Mimi often and what might have been. All my memories of her are warm and full of kindness. She loved me and I didn't care - fewer words are sadder to write. At the beginning of Mass ...

March 2, 1994 "Lord, do not deal with us as our sins deserve."                                     Book of Psalms Sometimes I wonder if there really is a God, sometimes I doubt His existence. And if there is a God, does He hear our pleas and prayers or does He look down upon us with indifference, maybe even disdain?  Does He find all of our pleads and prayers annoying? Have we become more bother than we are worth? Constant whiners who are never satisfied nor pleased with what we have? Has He ever reconsidered His creation of the heavens and earth, replacing man with a more likable creature? The last time my prayers were answered was in 1982 when my father had heart by-pass surgery and the operation was a success. From the first day that I met Maggie, I thought she was an answer to a prayer. But I don't feel that way today. From my parents upbringing and from my Catholic education, I ...

March 1, 1994 "Loss in all  of its manifestations is the touchstone of depression...one dreads the loss of all things, all people close and dear. There is an acute fear of abandonment."                                                                 William Styron  -  Darkness Visible I have had a fear of abandonment and homelessness since I was a kid, when my mother would take me shopping in downtown Boston - and I would see "bums," as they were called then, discarded and forgotten men and women shuffling silently and sadly along the sidewalks and sleeping shamelessly on park benches in Boston Common. I was mesmerized by these people and when I got older  and came home during college vacations, I would go to Boston and speak with these men - give them cigarettes and share a six-pack of beer with them....

February 28, 1994 "You do not find fear so amusing when it is you who is afraid."                                                    J. P. Donleavy - Beastly Beatitudes I feel like a man on death row who has lost his final appeal and the execution date is firmly set - and there's absolutely no hope that the day and time can be changed - no pardon, no clemency. On Friday I must leave my home, my love for Maggie and the gentle kindness of my companions, Andy and Yoyo. I must walk out the front door and up the courtyard - I'll be able to glance back but never able to return. I must continually walk forward until I reach the place where all time, past, present and future meets - which is the moment of death Last week at the library I was reading some back issues of different magazines and came across an article, a review, of a nun in Louisiana who is a ...

February 27, 1994 "Yes, Kilgore Trout is back. He could not make it on the outside. This is no disgrace. A lot of good people can't make it on the outside."    Kurt Vonnegut Jr. - Jailbird It has been a white winter. Although I am surrounded by snow, all that I see is bleak and black. Over the past two decades, I have spent countless hours here, at the East entrance of the Cape Cod Canal - usually sitting at the end of the jetty, lost in dreams that were never realized. They were dreams that never had a chance of coming true, simply because I could never make it on the outside. I have spent a lifetime seeking shelter in seclusion, alone with my thoughts - dabbling in dreams, frolicking in fantasies. And I have spent a lifetime failing to make it on the outside. My life has become pathetically painful. Although there is a light at the end of my tunnel, I know that my journey will not be pleasant. The days ahead will be punishing and precarious. But as quickly as my ...