For The Heart Cries

The last time! The memory! We remember the last time we saw our loved one, dear friend, before we got the devastating news that our loved one, dear friend, had died - a suicide. The memory, the image, of the last time is crystal clear - it can never be erased, will never fade nor disappear. It's a memory that can bring tears to our eyes one day and make us smile, even laugh, on another day - and there are days when the memory makes us scream in anguish and frustration, maybe even hateful anger. One of the unusual aspects of this memory is that when we least expect it, it can capture our complete consciousness for hours at a time, even for days - we are surrounded by that memory, that image. A brief snapshot of my memories: I see my grandfather early in the morning and tell him I'll see him after school. I never see him again. On a Sunday morning, I have breakfast with my college girlfriend and she is full of happiness. I never see her again. Our memories of

The shadow! If you have lost a loved one to suicide, the sad, sinister shadow of suicide becomes part of your life. This shadow first darkened my life when I was 11 years old. On a Thursday morning, I told my grandfather I would see him after school. He said, "I'll see you later." I never saw him again. The last night my college girlfriend and I spent together, we finalized plans to take a summer school class in Yeats' poetry at the University of North Carolina. She kissed me and whispered, "Tom, I love you." The next day she killed herself. They may have passed away, but I see them in my dreams. I took their deaths as personal affronts and it took me decades to answer this question: Why did they do this to me? And the answer is, they didn't. A suicidal mind is overwhelmed by the demons of depression and despair - that create an inner suffering that is unbearable. Thus, they are completely unaware of the consequences of how death will