February 22, 1994
"Forgotten is forgiven." F. Scott Fitzgerald
With me, nothing is completely forgotten or entirely forgiven. Although it has been my heart's nature to forgive and forget, my mind has never been as merciful. It is not the deeds of others that I have difficulty forgiving and forgetting, bu my deeds - mine alone.
When I was born I was wrapped in a blanket of guilt and regret and all these years later it still covers me - a shroud of mental entanglements. I was born with a mutant mind that found reality harsh and cold - pleasure always fleeting, depression always lingering. Thus I have sought safety in life's illusions of daydreams and fantasies.
Every cause may have an effect, but with me every cause has a dozen effects and ramifications - that bury themselves into the crevices of my mind, where they remain to always remind me of past misdeeds.
Regrets!!! Although I do not regret being born, I regret being alive.
On this warm, clear Tuesday at 12:15pm, Maggie and I signed our divorce papers and sometime this afternoon they will become part of the public records of the Barnstable County Court House. With a few strokes of a pen, I signed my life and love away - just like that. Thirteen years scribbled away in seconds with a single signature.
I did not want this day to come but there was no way of stopping Maggie. She has been obsessed with getting rid of me. Now that the papers are finally signed, after about two months of nasty and nerve racking negotiations, I'm sure Maggie is feeling inwardly happy and relieved to be free of me - her abhorrent albatross. An image that haunts me is that she, her mother and her fat friends from Connecticut will dance on my grave.
Regrets!!! There are events in my life which have not been completely forgotten and forgiven. Deeds I did and deeds I failed to do.
I see Anne Bennett that Sunday morning at breakfast, smiling at me - and I remember telling her that I would call her later. But I never called her that evening. If I did, maybe we would have gone out to dinner or out for a few beers - and maybe she would be alive today, her smile full of charm and promise. I wonder what thoughts she had before she pulled the trigger - if she thought of me and wondered why I didn't call.
Oh Mimi. Oh Mimi! I regret meeting you, regret marrying you, regret divorcing you. Go figure! guilt in triplicate!
Today I finally understand the pain and suffering I put Mimi through when I asked for a divorce. I followed through on it with the same obsession as Maggie did with me. Although I was much kinder and gentler in my approach and actions, there is no excuse - even now 20 years later - for the pain I caused her. She was a wonderful woman and I never should have abandoned her.
I regret not being closer to my brother and sister-in-law, Kevin and Anne - and to my three nephews, Christopher, Casey and Kevy. I'll never see Christopher again. He's in the Navy and I haven't a clue as to where he is. Casey and Kevy, the two little ones, God how I loved them. And now I wish I was a better uncle and had gone to more of their youth hockey and little league games. I wonder if they will remember me when I am gone or will I just be a distant relative soon forgotten?
I regret I didn't show Maggie, more often, how much I loved her in little ways and big. In many ways I was too selfish and too much a loner. Many times we were far apart even when we were together. I let her down without paying attention, I hurt her without knowing it. I failed to cherish her dreams, to hold her hopes safely in my heart and I allowed her love to slip quietly away - without noticing or caring until it was too late.
For far too long, I've been oblivious to everything and everyone around me - as I've been held captive by my wandering and wallowing mind.
There are added benefits of dying soon, I won't have to spend years, decades, trying to forgive and forget Maggie - nor will I spend additional years and decades trying to forgive and forget what I have done.
4:00pm - Harborview - Chatham, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
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