February 24, 1994
"I can't face another day...I wonder if these changes have left a scar on you, like all the burning hoops of fire that you and I passed through... I hope you're happy now'"
Elton John/Bernie Taupin - Funeral For A Friend/Loves Lies Bleeding
Some "B" words: bludgeon, butcher, bombard, banishment, burdens, blasphemy, bleak, betrayal, beg, beseech, blood.
I spend far too much time alone with my thoughts, but I have no place to go. With my future holding no promise and the present devoid of meaning, it is the past that I cling to. There are days, even weeks, when my mind and whole being feel handcuffed to the past - the shackles so secure, escape is impossible.
I remember when I first met Maggie, June 8, 1980, it was a beautiful Sunday in Boston. We had brunch at J. C. Hillary's on Boylston Street and later that afternoon we drove to Kimball's in Westford for ice cream. Before the month of June was over, I knew I would ask her to marry me and that she would save my soul.
I met her mother, Deb, for the first time on the Fourth of July, when I went to her house for a cook-out with a few of Maggie's friends. It was a pleasant day and that night we went to the Chatham Band Concert. What I didn't know as I drove home that night was that when Deb met me, it was dislike at first sight.
On Tuesday July 8th Maggie came to my apartment, I had a stack of albums on my stereo and Elton John's Yellow Brick Road landed on the turntable. Maggie told me she couldn't see me anymore because her mother didn't want her to -because her mother didn't like me, didn't want me around and didn't trust me. As Maggie spoke, Funeral For A Friend/Love Lies Bleeding played in the background.
Somehow we survived that night and the difficulties Deb created to drive us apart. But my survival came with a cost that has now come due - the price of separation far cheaper then than now. If there is a lesson to be learned, it is the importance of obeying the Fourth Commandment - honor thy father and mother.
From that first meeting to this present day, Deb's opinion for me has changed only slightly, dislike has now become hate. For all these years she has tolerated me as if I was an unwanted relative that shows up for Christmas dinner uninvited - keep out of sight, keep out of the way, keep your mouth shut and don't drink too much. But in my merry and care free way, I laughed and did what I wanted - never knowing when to leave well enough alone and always asking for another beer.
I read once that if you can fake sincerity, you can fake anything. Deb was brilliant at it. She was a master of manipulation and misdirection - her ingenuous disguises, self-absorbed pride and perverted piety. In an odd way we had but one thing in common, we each had a first initial instead of a middle initial - her's was R for rottweiler. And like that dog she was always annoyingly arrogant. Mine is C for crazy.
Late yesterday afternoon, we received our court date for the divorce - Wednesday March 9th at 9:00am. The divorce hearing will be the last ring of fire we'll pass through together. No longer do I believe that she can save my soul.
When I walk out of the courthouse, I'll be on my own with scars that won't heal, as life lies bleeding in my hands from betrayal and banishment - my soul a charred and crippled corpse.
1:30pm - Eldredge Library - Chatham, MA
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