February 26,1994
"Who cares for those on their own? Who cries for those who die alone? Who reaches for those in need? Who listens to those who plead? Who feels for those in pain? Only those who live in vain?
Thomas Truelson
I have read that the worst way to die is to realize that when you died no one would care - and what we most crave most in life is that someone, somewhere, remembers and loves us.
On Wednesday, the 23rd, I went to Nickerson Funeral Home here in Chatham and made my funeral arrangements - although I told the director that I was there for a friend who was dying of cancer. I picked out a casket, chose the type of service I wanted - no wake - and was given all the necessary paperwork, which I'll fill out and put in my safe deposit box.
I want my funeral Mass at Holy Redeemer in Chatham and I want to be buried with my grandparents, George and Catherine Frawley, in Randolph. My grampa and nana are the two people I have truly loved the most in my life - completely and unconditionally. The love between grandparents and grandchild is magical, mystical and miraculous. And I know I loved no woman as I loved my nana.
I have always been deeply concerned about how my funeral should be held and where I should be buried - with utter most importance placed on not having a wake.
I hate wakes and have hated them since my grandfather's death in 1957. He was waked at home, -oh, so Irish-Catholic - and during the two days his wake took place, there was food to eat, beverages to drink and people talked about baseball and politics. The whole atmosphere was loud and festive. And I spent those two days wandering around my grandparents' house lost and sad. My best friend in the whole world was dead and I didn't know what to do.
From that day until now, I don't believe I've attended more than five wakes - and know for certain I'll never attend one again, nor will I allow myself to be placed on such display when I'm gone.
After I left the funeral home, I went to the Crosby Monument Company in Harwich - and picked out a small brass plaque that I want placed at the foot of the grave. I want my epitaph, which I haven't written yet, embossed on the plaque.
I have made all these arrangements for two reasons. The first, because they are important to me. Secondly, to spare my parents the bother and burden of all the bullshit paperwork etc. I have added my parents to my safe deposit boxes, and once I fill out the paperwork all the necessary forms will be there for them when I die.
I am alone in the office this morning. It is snowing, there have been a few calls and no one has stopped in. I'll spend the afternoon and evening drinking at the bars downtown, then sleep here tonight.
I've come to believe that only those who have suffered can have empathy for those in pain. Only those who have lived on the edge of desperation can feel the anguish of those in despair. And only those who have lived in vain can one find all that is humane.
And I've come to realize that when I die, the woman I love will not care - but I hope that someday she'll forget the person I've become and remember and love me for the person I once was.
11:30am - Jack Conway Office - Chatham, MA
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