WHEN YOU KILL YOURSELF

Introduction & Forward

Suicide is death by sadness and it is silent - but leaves loved ones with wounds that never heal.

In January 1994 I decided to kill myself and choose Sunday May 15th as the perfect day. Suicide and depression were dark shadows that surrounded and squeezed me my entire life. When I was 11 years old my grandfather killed himself and twelve years later my college girlfriend committed suicide.

In February 1994 I started a daily, detailed journal of not only what I was going through but also my thoughts, reflections, fears and feeling of time past and time present. It was to be my suicide note. Before my suicide, I decided to go to Florida in March and Ireland in April.

For The Heart Cries is story and it is written in two parts - Part 1, A Journal Towards Suicide, Part 2,
A Journey Back To Life..
                                            Part 1 A Journal Towards Suicide

I begin with a FORWARD

In the beginning...

Suicide is death by sadness and it is silent.

Read those words again slowly and carefully.  Suicide is death by sadness.

Suicide is so sudden, so shattering.  It is an act of desperation from diabolical depression. After endless battles within the mind, a person becomes detached from a life that has become a suffocating struggle.

A vast majority of people who commit suicide find themselves in a dark and dangerous place within their minds, a black hole from which they can find no escape but death - a death they freely welcome and embrace as a friend.

I lived within that dark and dangerous place for decades and in my Journal Towards Suicide I have explored the tormenting tortures within my mind.  And when I finally sought the welcoming relief of death, death rejected me.

There is no medical reason why I am alive.  I had so carefully planned my suicide that I even made my funeral arrangements. On the morning after my attempt, I was found unconscious. I ended up in a coma, on life support and was expected to die.

Somehow I miraculously survived and did not have a Plan B. Thus I was forced to confront the dark and dangerous demons within my mind and begin my Journey Back To Life - and in my journey I found a hero and she gave me more than I deserved and expected.

I write with some unfortunate experiences as you will read. For now I can share this: not once before my suicide attempt did I think of the ramifications of my death.  Not once did I think about how my death would affect those who loved me.  Not once, because my mental suffering was so powerfully overwhelming.

A suicidal mind is a closed, self-centered mind, completely unaware of the consequences of how death will affect family, friends and loved ones. Suicide is difficult to prevent because signs usually become visible only after the tragedy.

Suicides are usually committed during the course of a person's regular routine.  Up to the moment I attempted to kill myself, it was an ordinary Sunday with a normal routine.

Some years ago I read these words: "A person thinking of suicide is perfectly capable of feigning an interest in a future they have no intention of inhabiting."   So true!

It  is my sincere desire that my journal can help prevent suicide by giving hope to those who are sad, depressed and suicidal and to those who are dwelling in the dark and dangerous places within their minds - that there is an escape besides death. And I pray that my journal will bring some peace and comfort to those who have lost a loved one to suicide.

Suicide is death by sadness and it is silent - but leaves loved ones with wounds that never heal.     

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com