April 3, 1994
Easter Sunday

"I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in Me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in Me will never die.  Do you believe this?
                                                                Gospel of John

The forty days of Lent force us to focus on remorse and reconciliation, and to fast, abstain and sacrifice.  And from those dark days we awake to bloom in the beauty and brightness of Easter - and proudly proclaim the radical revelation of the resurrection and redemption, of renewal and rebirth.

Lord, I do believe You but sometimes I have doubts.  What happens after death is life's greatest mystery and the hope of the afterlife is comprehended only by faith alone.  Is the resurrection Christianity's Easter carrot to keep us virtuous, to keep us from going mad from the senselessness of life every time a loved one dies?  Is it a frivolous fable in which we have placed our faith?  Or is it a story that enriches and gives meaning to life?  Yes, Lord, I believe, for the hope of an afterlife is the only hope I have.

I have no joy this Easter morning, no happiness.  To be happy one needs to be able to feel goodness, to enjoy simply, to give freely, to adore life and to love and be loved - all of which are missing from my life. I am hollow on this hallowed day, empty of all emotions except sadness and depression.  I am alone, another holiday alone - starting with Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, my birthday and Saint Patrick's Day.  There is some good news, this is my last holiday alone.

An observation this Easter morning - the major difference between Catholics and Protestants is not a matter of dogma and beliefs but in dress.  Protestants go to church better dressed than Catholics, not just on Easter but every Sunday, even those during the dog days of summer.  There is a casualness about how Catholics dress for church that borders on disrespect - even this morning there were people dressed at Mass in jeans, shorts and T-shirts. I was in jeans.

In a few hours I'll be going to Kevin and Anne's for dinner - will see my parents and the kids, Casey and Kevy.  I'll put on a happy face which is becoming harder and harder to do.  This will be the last time we'll all be alive and together as a family.  The next time my family gets together will be for my funeral.

Who knows where the time goes? Who knows what time holds?  They are the mysteries of the past and future, but what's known is that time is a thief, often full of disbelief.  Although I cannot undo what's been done, I can control what is to be. The mystery of the resurrection sustains me. Yes, Lord, I do believe and I seek death so that I may find peace.

9:30am   -   Holy Redeemer   -   Chatham, MA

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com

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