April 8, 1994
"Love and memory last and will so endure till the game is called because of darkness."
Gene Fowler - Skyland
Around 5:00pm yesterday afternoon I walked into Dick Mack's Pub where I met old friends Jay, Oliver and Geraldine. For the next four hours we drank Guinness, swapped stories, joked and laughed. And they updated me on all the local gossip. Jay introduced me to a local doctor and when I told him that I forgot my blood pressure medication, he wrote me a prescription for hydrochlorothiazide. I had a great time, was relaxed and funny - the best since I met Robin at Saint Leo.
At 9:00pm I said goodnight and left the pub drunk and tired. When I stepped outside I was immediately hit with an overwhelming sense of dread, fear seized me as did anxiety, depression and despair. At that moment I wanted to die, to die then and there. If I had the means, a gun, a rope or a bridge to jump off - I would have killed myself instantly.
I now have doubts about this trip, maybe it wasn't such a great idea. when I planned this trip it wasn't to escape nor an attempt to runaway. I came here for two reasons: the desire to visit this land a final time and a desire to relive and retrace the memories of past visits, particularly my honeymoon with Maggie.
After finally arriving at Shannon Airport yesterday morning, I picked up my rental car and started my journey to Dingle. About twenty miles south of Limerick I stopped in the quaint village of Adare. I never pass through Adare without stopping to say a prayer and light a penny candle at its old historic Catholic Church. It was 10:00am and the morning Mass had just beginning - the Irish are not early risers. After Mass I continued my journey.
I arrived in Dingle around 2:30pm, taking my time. It was a beautiful drive down the peninsula. The mountain peaks above Castlemaine were snow covered and at Inch the beach was sun bright and the sea was rough. The O'Shea's still own the Alpine Guest House - Bill, Vivian and son, Paul, were happy to see me. When asked about Maggie, I told them she went to Key West to visit and help her mother - and with her blessings, I've come to Ireland. Oh, the lies I can weave.
The happy memories I have of Dingle make me depressingly sad. On our honeymoon Maggie celebrated her 30th birthday here. We ate at Doyle's Seafood and the couple sitting next to us were also on their honeymoon and married the same day we were. They were from north of Boston and like us. they were staying at the Milltown Guest House. Later that night we met at O'Flaherty's and drank Guinness till closing time. I wonder if the dreams they shared that day came true or did the dreams fade until today, they, too, drifted apart?
Little has changed in Dingle since my last visit, except for the major improvements along the harbor front. But much has changed with me. I have come to believe that this is a foolhardy trip, but it is too late to turn back now. In my dreams, I saw this trip and the memories it held full of boundless joy. But reality is a beast that holds only torment and torture. The memories have become extremely painful and far too dangerous, but I cannot help myself and must continue to explore them.
For I have too many memories beneath this Irish sky and they won't fade away. It is only when my game of life is called because of darkness that they'll find their final resting place.
12:30pm - Saint Mary's Church - Dingle, County Kerry, Ireland
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
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