March 10, 1994
Casey's Birthday

"Death is not the greatest loss of life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
                                                                                          Norman Cousin

My nephew and Godson is fourteen, may his birthday be happy. I pray that he has a better life than I did - that the crosses he may someday have to bear be smaller and lighter than the ones I carry and drag behind me. I pray that he'll always be free of depression and despair that haunts me - that he never be discarded and doomed to death as I am.

God, I am so full of sadness that the only words I can use to describe it, is death. I feel like death all over. Death has taken over my mind, body, soul and spirit. The feelings of death usually come suddenly, without warning - without notice and when I least expect it. And then it just consumes me for hours at a time, relentlessly and savagely. Death dances and beckons me with the promise that it will turn my despair into a divine dream.

Tomorrow I leave for Florida. A short escape from the gloom of winter. I need sunshine and warmth, need to see green grass, flowers and leaves on trees - need to see new and different faces. Maybe when I get to Florida my mood will change, a less depressing disposition. Maybe my mind will take a vacation and escape as well. Then, just maybe, words from a different perspective will flow from this pen.

My mind is wandering more and more everyday - thought come to mind and the roam aimlessly every which way. Rarely is my mind and body in the same place at the same time. About the only time they are together is when I write in this journal. I have found myself in Stop&Shop or CVS not knowing why I'm there. I've been walking down the street when I suddenly realize that I have no idea where I'm going - and I've crossed the street and a few minutes later have no idea how I got on the other side. I've watched a TV show and minutes later I can't remember what I've seen. And to think that tomorrow I'm going to drive to Florida - I hope I remember the trip.

I've been having these memory lapses and mental blackouts for almost three years and they are getting worse. On the day I went to Florida in late November, I left Maggie a letter in which I tried to explain what was going on in my mind - about its wanderings and about the lapses and blackouts. I'm convinced that this letter was the final nail in my coffin - for it confirmed to Maggie my mental instability and was decisive in ending whatever debate she may have been having about seeking a divorce. More than anything I'm sure the letter frightened her.

What I would like to know, but never will, is how those who have hurt me sleep?  Do they feel guilty for their actions or do they believe themselves to be blessed for having their prayers answered?

Every positive feeling and emotion inside me has withered and died. My death will be no loss, for I stopped living months ago - maybe even years ago.

Last night I ate at a Chinese restaurant in Orleans - my fortune cookie read, "Nature, time and patience are the three greatest healers." I doubt it!

3:30pm   -   Bradford Inn   -   Chatham, MA

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