March 12, 1994

"But in the real world there are things that we can't change and endings come to us in ways that we can't rearrange."
                                      W. Jennings/R. Kerr  -  In The Real World

Exactly three months ago today, December 12, 1993, I flew home to Chatham from Tampa - and descended into the twilight zone of divorce, despair and devastation. Today I am in Room 116 of the Monterey Inn in the historic district of Saint Augustine - the same room I was in back in December when I called Maggie and she told me she wanted a divorce, not to come home nor even back to Chatham.

This morning I left Fredericksburg at 3:20am, drove another 700 miles and arrived here at 2:30pm. I will probably stay here until Friday, then drive down to Melbourne to see my friend Carl from the Jack  Conway office.

As I drove today I thought of Maggie and the times we drove from Chatham to Key West. I can't keep her nor my situation out of my mind. I am a lost soul, without direction and no one to guide me - am floundering in misery.

As much as I miss Maggie, I miss my cat and dog even more and have shed more tears over them than I have over her. I miss Yoyo's purr and her fondness for sleeping with me as she did during these past few months - as I slept alone in the den. But she'll never sleep with me again nor will I ever wake again to the sound of her purring. I miss Andy's smile and playfulness - and I'll miss his excited and cheerful bark that always welcomed me home. What makes me cry is that I've lost the innocent affections of Yoyo and Andy - and without them I've become a boy who is alone and afraid.

The last three months have been an everlasting eternity - the future holds neither hope nor promise. My life, as I knew it to be, has ended and cannot be rearranged - it was unwanted and came without reasons when I least expected it. My final ending will be as I expect and want it to be - all has been arranged.

4:30pm   -   Monterey Inn   -   Saint Augustine, Florida

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

WHEN YOU KILL YOURSELF

When you kill yourself, this is what happens - you end your life and as you do you steal life from those that love you, destroy their dreams and devastate their lives of all hope. Their shattered souls and broken hearts will never heal, never mend. Your suicide will condemn them to a life sentence of endless nightmares. Their nights will be spent in a flood of tears, not until they fall asleep but until the sun rises - and a new day of sorrowful struggles and suffering begins, day after unending day. Your death will cause so much destructive damage to your family that it will be beyond repair. All will be ruin. They will remember the day you died every day in mournful misery, in sadness and sorrow, in hopelessness and helplessness - forever doomed to a life of agony and anguish. Their minds will ache in brutal pain as they abandon all hope of a peaceful life. Their lives will be spent wandering wearily, not knowing where they are or where they are going - because their life ended with ...
Read more

SUICIDE: EXPLAINED

 " I fear the weight of his mind has overcome him."  William Clark, of Lewis and Clark, on hearing that his friend and fellow explorer, Meriwether Lewis, had died by suicide. The weight of their minds have overcome them - for that is how our loved ones died. Contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com 
Read more

A LOVED ONE'S SUICIDE: WHAT IF?

  What if? Two simple words, but if you have lost a loved one to suicide - those two words, "what if," can torture and torment you relentlessly and endlessly. What if he talked to me, what if she called me, what if I stayed home, what if I called to say hello, what if I invited her out to lunch, what if I stopped by his apartment - what if? What if...two words that leave you trapped to a past you cannot change, cannot escape. And that is the life you now have to live - and as time passes and you slowly move on, there will be moments when you reflect back in time and ask yourself, what if? - as I do. What if I had joined Anne for breakfast on that Sunday morning - would she had sat on the banks of the Hillsborough River with a gun in her hand on Monday afternoon? What if? Contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
Read more