March 12, 1994

"But in the real world there are things that we can't change and endings come to us in ways that we can't rearrange."
                                      W. Jennings/R. Kerr  -  In The Real World

Exactly three months ago today, December 12, 1993, I flew home to Chatham from Tampa - and descended into the twilight zone of divorce, despair and devastation. Today I am in Room 116 of the Monterey Inn in the historic district of Saint Augustine - the same room I was in back in December when I called Maggie and she told me she wanted a divorce, not to come home nor even back to Chatham.

This morning I left Fredericksburg at 3:20am, drove another 700 miles and arrived here at 2:30pm. I will probably stay here until Friday, then drive down to Melbourne to see my friend Carl from the Jack  Conway office.

As I drove today I thought of Maggie and the times we drove from Chatham to Key West. I can't keep her nor my situation out of my mind. I am a lost soul, without direction and no one to guide me - am floundering in misery.

As much as I miss Maggie, I miss my cat and dog even more and have shed more tears over them than I have over her. I miss Yoyo's purr and her fondness for sleeping with me as she did during these past few months - as I slept alone in the den. But she'll never sleep with me again nor will I ever wake again to the sound of her purring. I miss Andy's smile and playfulness - and I'll miss his excited and cheerful bark that always welcomed me home. What makes me cry is that I've lost the innocent affections of Yoyo and Andy - and without them I've become a boy who is alone and afraid.

The last three months have been an everlasting eternity - the future holds neither hope nor promise. My life, as I knew it to be, has ended and cannot be rearranged - it was unwanted and came without reasons when I least expected it. My final ending will be as I expect and want it to be - all has been arranged.

4:30pm   -   Monterey Inn   -   Saint Augustine, Florida

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