March 13, 1994

From today's Jacksonville Times-Union's Sunday comics - "Now, how about our prayers?' - "Oops, almost forgot! Do all little ants say their prayers every night?" - "Suppose to!" - "How can God hear so many prayers all at once?" - Hmm, prayer waiting." - "Oh, yeah, right."
                                                                              Johnny Hart - B.C.

How can God hear so many prayers all at once? I have often wondered that, sometimes I wonder if He hears any prayers at all? And if He does hear our prayers, how does He decide which ones to answer? Who is more deserving, the forsaken and forlorn man who cries over his cat and dog or the hungry child starving to death who needs just a simple bowl of rice? Both wait for God's kindness in vain. There is little justice in answered prayers, there is no mercy in unanswered prayers. Such are the ways of God and nature in the realm of life.

I went to the 7:00am Mass this morning at the Cathedral of Saint Augustine. Back in December I used to pray here, asking God that Maggie would change her mind about the divorce. But my prayers were not answered and now it is too late. As on of the ancient Greek philosopher's wrote, "The one thing God cannot do is to undo that which has been done."

The more time passes, the more I remain the same. For I am back at the Cathedral and I am still praying, but I really don't know for what - for hope? for help? for healing?  for a haven? for heaven?  I really don't know! What I do know is that there are some wounds time cannot heal, some hearts that can never mend. My heart is too broken, too shattered and smashed, to ever mend. All the king's men and horses couldn't put me back together again - I'm in more pieces than Humpty Dunpty. Over the Cathedral's main entrance is a heart with an arrow through it. If a Seminole Indian shot an arrow through my heart this very second, it would be less painful than how I presently feel.

As I sit by the side altar the 11:30am Mass is taking place and I feel devastated and so abandoned by God, His Angels and His saints. Why did He not hear my pleas? Why am I still on prayer waiting? Does He not care? Where is the Good Shepherd when His lost sheep needs Him most of all.

12:00 noon   -   The Cathedral   -   Saint Augustine, Florida

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