March 20, 1994
Passion Sunday

"Love in your mind produces love in your life. This is the meaning of heaven. Fear in your mind produces fear in your life. This is the meaning of hell."
                                                         Marianne  Williamson   -   Return To Love

Life doesn't flow gently like a stream. Life is a river with bends and falls, with raging rapids and still waters. It can overwhelm and flood its banks and can diminish to a trickle - it can hold pleasant surprises and can hide fatal consequences. As life's final destination is death, so, too, does a river die when it reaches its final destination, the sea. I am flowing and floating freely towards the sea - but I think that beneath the surface I'm looking for an excuse not to kill myself. It isn't that I'm any doubts about dying, it is that I'm having some doubts about living - that I may want to live a little longer than I intend> Am just not sure.

This morning I went to the 7:30am Mass at Our Lady of Loudres in Melbourne.  It is a very modern church that looks more like a theater.  It reminds me of the church Maggie and I went to in Key Largo last May on our anniversary. On the white walls behind the altar, they would flash the words to the songs/hymns - just like follow the bouncing ball on Sesame Street.  These modern Florida Catholic Churches look like they should belong to some Southern Baptist sect headed by Jimmy Swaggert or Jimmy and Tammy Baker - for they are shiny, secular and sterile.  But the old Catholic Churches of Florida, like Saint Mary's in Key West, the Cathedral in Saint Augustine and the Abbey Church at Saint Leo are soothing, spiritual sanctuaries full of sacred charm and beauty.

This afternoon I went to the Ted William's Museum in Hernando. I met the director and gave her a copy of my Cape Cod Times article, which I wrote about Ted on the 30th anniversary of his last at for the Boston Red Sox.

It is March Madness and Boston College is on a run, all the way to the Sweet Sixteen.  But I am just mad and running - trying to do the impossible, which is I'm trying to runaway from myself.  There is no love in my life, only fear - and it consumes me more hell ever will.

7:30pm   -   Days Inn   -   Brooksville, Florida

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