March 25, 1994
"What a wretched gamble is the game of human life."
Voltaire
Three weeks ago today I was required to leave my home. Time passes, twenty-one days, one by one. When looking back time seems so close, the past a shadow on my shoulder. When looking forward times seems so distant - beyond the horizon, beyond even beyond. I am as empty and as ho;;ow as a discarded fifty gallon oil drum. If you were to beat it, you would here the echoes of my cries.
As I drove today I thought of my old girlfriend, Mary, and the wild argument we had on Friday March 14, 1980. She was mad because I had to work the next day and for most of the night we quarreled - and the more we drank, the more heated it became. Around midnight she stormed out of my apartment and drove home. On Monday, Saint Patrick's Day, my phone rang. when I said hellow, no one replied. I said hello a few more times and then there was a click in my ear and the phone went dead.
From the time Mary left my apartment that Friday night until August, there was no contact between us. During that time I met and dated Maggie. But in August I called Mary at work. I called her because I had to satisfy myself that I was making the right decision in planning to marry Maggie. From then until Halloween, Mary and I saw each other periodically. It was mostly sexual and I regret it and am sorry it happened. But before I truly committed myself to Maggie, I sincerely needed to know that Mary was in the past.
Was I wrong in what I did? Yes. I was. Was any part of it right or did any good come of it? Yes, because by seeing Mary again I realized that I was in love with Maggie - and I never again wondered or thought about Mary. And I have also realized that what the mind finds sinful can sometimes find absolution in the heart.
It was Mary that called me that Saint Patrick's Day and hung up the phone after I said hello. If she didn't hang up, I'm sure we both would have apologized and continued dating - and I never would have net Maggie. Would I have married Mary? I'm not sure. But what I do know is that there can be a big difference between saying hello and not saying hello - and that lives can change by how we choose.
For reaching out and saying hello. Robin entered my life in my time of need and helped me. For not saying hello, Mary changed my life in ways I never expected and probably her's as well. The game of life is full of such blindsided gambles.
5:00pm - Deluxe Inn - Rocky Mount, North Carolina
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
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