March 6, 1994
"We have met the enemy and he is us."
Walter Kelly - Pogo
I was too critical of Maggie and made comments, far to frequently, that never should have been said. Sometime they were made in front of others and were cause of embarrassment. Usually I meant my remarks to be funny but most times they were not taken that way. I never learned and seldom kept my mouth shut, always opening it at an inappropriate time with an irreverent comment that was meant to be funny. But Iv'e learned the hard way that laughter isn't so funny when the joke is on you.
There were times when I drank too much and this took time and enjoyment away from our marriage. I would spend an hour or two on a lot of Saturday or Sunday afternoons drinking with friends at the Squire or Wayside Inn - and I would continue drinking when I got home. Today I see that such conduct was wasteful and harmful. Neither Maggie nor her mother drank and I believe they took my drinking as a major weakness, which for the most part it was.
I should have shown my love towards Maggie in more positive, small ways - being more affectionate, more tender and speaking words that were soft and kind. Love is simply doing little things that please and in this I failed. At times I was too self-centered and too selfish - not with money or doing work around the houses, in these areas I gave freely and generously. I was selfish with my time, spending too much time by myself reading, writing and drinking.
Love is usually given with strings attached, mostly reasonable assumptions and unspoken expectations. Love abhors uncertainty, and when there is silence in love it's because love is hiding from uncertainties.
Time and circumstances have transformed us into different people. At some point in our journey together, I took a different path not realizing we were no longer traveling together. But Maggie knew and when she reached the point of no return, it was too late for us to back together. The promises I made to change and to do better came too late, for her love had grown silent. So, what began in joy now ends in sadness.
As much as I find Maggie the enemy in our divorce, particularly the means she used - I was the enemy in our marriage. And love will sleep with the enemy only so long before it slides into silence. Yes, I have met the enemy and it is me.
12:00pm - My Childhood Bedroom - Randolph, MA
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