March 7, 1994

"Tears and loss and broken dreams may find your heart at dusk."
                                   Carl Sandburg  -  Dreams At Dusk

I feel terrible this day, mentally, physically and emotionally - between the divorce, moving out of the house and the craziness of my thoughts. I ache all over and am entwined in pain throughout my entire being. I have deteriorated    to a point beyond despair - have entered a twilight zone of deplorable derangement.

I have come to the conclusion that I'm afflicted with a severe mental sickness, an agonizing torture from which I cannot escape. My brain is on fire, yet nothing is consumed - thoughts rage out of control and I am just a submissive bystander. Too bad there wasn't some form of electroshock therapy that could zap and sap the mind of all thoughts and memories - back to the beginning where one would have to relearn the alphabet and how to count from one to ten. If such treatment was available it would be tempting, but that's not the cuckoo's nest I want to land in. I will endure the torment, for I know I must suffer before I can find solace in death. The war that battles within me is temporary, the peace I'll eventually capture will be eternal.

My heart is broken and misses Maggie and longs for those lost days and years when we were happy and in love. But what I miss most is my dog and cat - Andy and Yoyo gave me great comfort and love these past three months. They were the only living beings I could lean on, depend on and trust. Now they are forever gone from me, I'll never be able to pet them, hold them or hug them again.

Two words from the letters in live - evil and vile. Evil is what happens to you when your life and mind get turned upside down and inside out, and reality overwhelms you with the force of a tornado - and suddenly your life  and mind are twisting and turning violently in a vile nightmare as demons devour you in stringing pieces to small to chew. I've become a character in a Stephen King novel.

Last night Casey and Kevy, my two youngest nephews, came to spend the night. They are getting bigger and older. Casey will be fourteen on Thursday and I remember the day he was born as if was yesterday. I was living near the South Shore Hospital - it was Monday evening and my mother called to say that Anne had a baby boy. I walked over to the hospital and saw my brother, Kevin, and got a peek of Casey. From that day to now, whenever I see Casey I think of the poem, A Cradle Song, by William butler Yeats and recall the last lines, "I sigh that kiss you, for I must own that I shall miss you when you have grown." Today I sigh because I will not see him when he has grown.

I was single then and looking for someone to love - in two days I'll be single again and will never love again. It is dusk, and tears, loss and broken dreams have found my heart decaying darkness.

5:00pm   -   Childhood Bedroom  Randolph, MA

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