April 20, 1994
"For the error bred in the bone of each woman and each man craves what it cannot have, not universal love but to be loved alone."
W. H. Auden - September 1, 1939
There is no need for an alarm clock in Ireland. In Donegal the huge blackbirds would wake me with their shrills. Here in Dingle it is the baa, baa, baaing of baby sheep. Baby sheep are everywhere, in the fields and along the side of the road - they even can be seen chasing their mothers down the middle of the road, oblivious to cars, trucks and tractors that must wait for them to get out of the way. Watching the baby sheep chase after their mothers brings tears to my eyes and reminds me of the fact that nothing is worse than abandonment. As they chase after their mothers, the baby sheep sense the feeling of abandonment and their constant baa, baa, baaing are cries that pleas. "Please don't leave me! Please don't leave me!"
After I finished my journal yesterday inside Saint Mary's Church. the church's sexton came over to me and introduced himself. His name is Patrick and he asked me if I would like a tour of the church - which he gave me, In the vestry he showed me the old baptismal and marriage books and records, which people use to their family history. He then said, "I've got a riddle for you! What's the one language God doesn't understand?" When I told him I didn't know, he replied, "The language of business! God doesn't bargain, doesn't make deals, doesn't negotiate and He doesn't offer any daily specials." We both laughed and then he invited me to join him for a drink - but I told him it was too early for me but that maybe I could meet him later at Dick Mack's Pub.
I like his riddle and it's true. I've spent a lifetime making bargains with God and every deal has fallen through. But the devil knows language of business all too well - he's a wheeler-dealer willing to negotiate any offer.
A week from today I head back home, where there is no home waiting for me. I don't know how I'll spend my remaining days on Cape Cod, but know that everyday will be a hideous horror and getting through each day will become more difficult.
On our honeymoon Maggie celebrated her 30th birthday here, in 1982, the following year, we celebrated our first anniversary and her birthday also in Dingle. The next year we celebrated those milestones at the Kilkea Castle in County Kildare. I remember how happy we were at the castle, so full of love in its fairy tale setting.
At that brief, magical moment, I was loved, loved alone - as was Maggie. Ever since then I've been chasing that moment, trying to recapture the feeling of being loved, loved alone. What's the error in such a need? Is it that we are like the baby sheep, always chasing after our mothers because only our mothers gave us love, love alone.
12:00pm - Cafe Literature - Dingle, County Kerry, Ireland
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
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