April 21, 1994

"Bitter the tears that fall, but more bitter the tears that fall not."
                                      A Sign at the Blasket Island Museum

Yesterday afternoon I visited the Blasket Island Museum out on Slea Head near the village of Ballyferriter. The museum is a beautiful building sitting on a rocky plateau overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. Three sides of the museum are all windows, so as you view the various exhibits the sea is always visible. The museum displays the history and heritage of the island and tells the story of the hopes, hardship and hardiness of the people who once lived there.

Today I am sad and depressed, full of despair. The angel of death looms over me and I am covered by his dark shadow - and I can feel the breezes as he swings his log, sharp sickle above my head. I do not know how much longer I can hold onto the small sliver of life that remains. There are days when May 15th just seems too far away.

All my thoughts are now of death. I do not want to die a lonely old man with no one to pray for me - no one to bury me, no one to remember me. I look towards death as a way to find peace of mind and body.

I am emotionally and physically beaten and destroyed. I have cried and prayed myself out - drained of all tears and petitions. Some nights I sit alone in a pub drinking Guinness as if I was completely outside myself - languishing in a labyrinth, loathsome and lifeless. If I didn't have such horrible feelings, I would have no feelings at all.

I am at the rest area on top of Connor Pass. It is an impressive spot from which you can see Tralee Bay on one side of the mountain and Dingle harbor on the other side. And as far as the eye can see, the many shades of green of the Irish countryside, and the many shades of blue of the sea and sky.

The bitterness of my tears has silenced my spirit and has drowned my desires. I wonder if there has been anything these past four months that has caused Maggie to cry? Or does the bitterness hold back the tears?

2:00pm   -   Connor Pass   -  Dingle, County Kerry, Ireland

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