April 28, 1994

"Human life begins on the far side of despair."
                         Jean-Paul Satre - Les Mouches

I woke a few hours ago realizing I so not have many days left, knowing I'll never spend another night in this room. For far too long I've been an island unto myself, insulated and isolated by imagination and infirmities during which time my life has been a balancing of extremes - a mental and emotional tightrope on which I swayed between hope and despair, happiness ans sadness, contentment and depression, faith and futility and sanity and insanity. On a day I don't remember, everything tilted towards the far darker side and I slid slowly into an abyss from which I cannot escape.

I read once that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Unfortunately, I've been possessed by both demons at once. Life is a struggle no longer worth surviving. I do not fear death because in death I will find peace. I have come to recognize death not only as my last and only friend, but as my best friend. And it is death's hand that I'm seeking and reaching to hold.

To most people their families and their home are the center of their life and universe. But when the center gives way and falls apart, what is one to do? It is difficult to find and maintain strength  that is necessary to hold onto the edges for dear life, when your universe is spinning out of control.

There is some good news this morning, my parents have opened their summer cottage in Sandwich. So, I now have a place to stay. I love my mom and dad and wish I could have been a better son, helped them more and spent more time with them - particularly these past four years. But I've been too sick, too mentally sick.

This is important to remember: nothing last forever, because death's just too clever - children soon die of old age, and in desperate rage, we cry and and wonder why?

For far too long I've been living on the far side of despair, and I can say from experience that it's neither human and humane.

11:00am   -   My Childhood Home   - Randolph, MA

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