April 30, 1994

"It's a film about how precious and wonderful love is in college and how diluted and confusing it gets afterward."
                                            Mary Louise Parker - on, Naked In New York

Last night I cooked my own supper for the first time since the night before the Super Bowl, three months ago. I had hot dogs, beans, coleslaw  and plenty of beer. It was good.

On my way back yesterday I stopped at the Hallmark store in the mall to buy a few Mother's Day cards. As I looked through the cards, my eyes kept filling up with tears as  I realized this would be the last time I will send my mother a Mother's Day card.  I saw Mother's Day cards from dogs and cats and was going to buy them and send them to Maggie, but she doesn't have a sense of humor anymore nor a sex of humor either.  After leaving the mall I went to the MSPCA in Centerville just to visit the dogs and cats. But once inside I was so overwhelmed with sadness, I immediately left.

Everyday I've been thinking more and more of Mimi, and the pain and suffering I caused her when I wanted a divorce. It's taken me twenty years and my divorce for me to realize the harm I inflicted on her and how brokenhearted she must have felt. It's amazing how much damage we can do to other people, never knowing the aftermath of our actions.

The past five months have been a pure, agonizing hell. The struggle to get through the day becomes more and more difficult each day. I want to die and I know death will bring an end to the pain and suffering.  My life has lost all meaning and what remains is for me to try to save my soul.

When I was in college love was wonderful and precious and when Mimi and I got married we had a few glorious years together. Then I began to change. I had bouts of depression that left me full of doubts and uncertainties about myself, my marriage and Mimi - and love became diluted and confusing. So, I mentally ran away by asking for a divorce. Two decades later, I'm still running. And I'm sure Maggie was aware of my darker side long before I was - and needless to say, she wasn't going to live with it any longer.

Most people celebrate their lives with milestones ans achievements. My life has been a disgrace, a series of regrets that are full of guilt.

2:30pm   -  My Parents Cottage   -   Sandwich, MA

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