May 1, 1994

"The sea diminishes all men."
      Sign in the Horizon's Beach Club

That it does! And so does a broken heart, dark depression and utter despair.

I just came back from Horizon's where I had a few beers and a couple of shots of Jameson. There was a waitress there who looked very much like Mimi. She was tall with long brown hair and a crystal clear complexion, and a smile that was warm and inviting.

It was the first time I had been in Horizon's in twelve years. Although it is less than a quarter mile from my parents cottage, I only have four clear memories of being in the place. Mary and I went there one cold autumn night after dinner and drank a couple of Irish coffees.

After my wedding rehearsal, the evening before the wedding, my Peter and I went there for one beer and ended up spending the night getting drunk. That's one night of many in my life I wish I could do over. After the rehearsal I planned on going directly back to my parents, but Peter and I started talking outside the church and before we knew it, everyone else had left but us. So, he offered to buy me a beer and I accepted. What I should have done was stop at my parents and invited everyone to join us. But I didn't and have felt guilty about it ever since. The next morning my mother and I got into an argument about what I did. I lost my temper and took my guilt out on her. But she was right, what I did was selfish and inconsiderate.

My final memories of Horizon's are with Maggie. We went there a few times for their ice cream pie. We would sit at one of the small tables overlooking the bay, she would tea and I would have black coffee and B&B liqueur. Back then we were happy and in love and our horizons were clear and calm.

After Mass this morning I used a payphone to call Robin in Florida. She was really happy to hear from me and wanted to know all about my trip to Ireland. I told her that I mailed her a package of small gifts and then told her about my trip. When I hung up the phone I felt as though it was a big mistake calling her.  The only way I can explain it, is that I felt stupid - stupid like a dirty old man.

Yes, the sea diminishes all men. But to be buried beneath the earth diminishes us forever.

Two weeks from today I die.

3:30pm   My Parents Cottage   -   Sandwich, MA

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