WHEN YOU KILL YOURSELF

May 12, 1994
Ascension Thursday

"The dragon is by the side of the road, watching those who pass. Beware lest he devour you. We go to the Father of souls, but is it necessary to pass the dragon."
                                                               Saint Cyril of Jerusalem

Some "G" words: gloom, grief, ghastly, gaunt, grave, grim, glum, gruesome, grampa Frawley.

Last night I had to call Maggie and tell her the moving company needed a day extension to get my belongings out of the house. She went ballistic! She screamed at me and called me every rotten name and four letter word imaginable, some in combination I never heard before, let alone been called. She even threatened me with a law suit and arrest for violating the divorce agreement, and then proceeded to slam me with all my faults, failures and frailties. Never have I experienced such volcanic and vicious hatred and contempt.  I allowed her to unleash her anger and after a few minutes her tantrum slowly receded and finally relented on the extension.  Her parting words to me were, " "you're nothing but a fucking bastard," and then she slammed the phone down.

Those were her final words to me. We will never speak again. If she knew we would never speak again, would her words have been different? Probably not! But I would like to believe that if she knew I was going to kill myself on Sunday, she would at least have the decency to say, "Well, if that's the case, have a good and safe trip."

I find her contempt and hatred confusing and full of questions that will never be asked nor answered. It's as though she has a huge ax to grind and has decided to test its sharpness on my neck. But my blood is not on her hands. She is a dragon that has damaged me but I have been destroyed and devoured by more sinister and savage beasts. In my loneliness and isolation, the devious demons of depression and despair have shattered my spirit and have wrecked my will - leaving me despicable and destitute.

More than anything I simply need peace of mind and body. My life's journey is nearly complete and I'm coming to the end weak, worn and weary. I was taught that God never gives us burdens we cannot carry. But that is not truer, for I have been besieged and bludgeoned  by burdens that are about to kill me.

In a few minutes I'm going to walk over to Shawme Pond and feed the ducks. Over the years I have spent countless hours by the Dexter Grist Mill feeding bread to the ducks,swans and geese. You cannot imagine the enjoyment and inner peace I get from such a simple pleasure - of tossing bite sized  pieces of bread into the water and always making sure that even the timid and shy get their fair share. Then I'll to Horizon's bar, where I'll the seals play in the bay, drink a few beers and have something to eat.

And I will end this evening at the cottage with my parents. We will probably watch TV, laugh and talk and close the day with a snack and a cup of tea. I will go to bed knowing that when I leave in the morning, I will never see them again. God, have mercy on my soul.

2:30pm   -   Sandwich Library   -   Sandwich, MA