May 15, 1994
In Extremis

"A brief parting from those dear is the worst man has to fear,"
                                       William Butler Yeats  -  Under Ben Bulben

My final memories this morning are of my dog and cat, Andy and Yoyo. When Maggie was on her way to the airport last Sunday to pick up her mother, I stopped by the house with a bag of dog and cat food. I didn't go inside but left the bags by the front door. When Andy saw me he came running to the window by the door, he was barking, laughing and jumping up and down. God. he was so happy to see me. Then, out of nowhere, Yoyo jumped up on the table by the window. She was purring so loud I could hear her outside. When I put my hand on the window, she kept putting her paw out trying to touch me - and then she began rubbing her face and head against the window, desperately trying to touch me and feel the gentle touch of my hand. When I put my face up against the window, Andy comes over and started licking the glass.

Never have I been loved so completely, never has love been so precious, never has my heart felt so broken. I sat down on the front stoop and cried - cried and cried.  When I was finally able to compose myself, I got up and started walking away. At the end of the courtyard, I turned around and waved goodbye, knowing that I'll never see their smiling faces ever again.

It is said that the best place to bury your pets is in your heart. That is where Andy and Yoyo are resting today.

So as not to die completely alone, I will have with me tonight my two  stuffed critters, Tiny Teddy and Berry Beagle. They have been my traveling companions for twelve years and we've shared many adventures together - and this is what they have taught me, you are never too old to hug a teddy bear. One of the virtues of stuffed animals is they cannot love each other. But miraculously, they give back to us all the love we give them. When I am buried, Tiny and Berry will be in my arms.

My final destination tonight is a journey I've chosen to take, freely and willingly. Am I playing Russian roulette with my soul? I don't know! But I do know that with a clear mind and a clean heart, I have made peace with God and am at peace with Him - my only hope is that He is at peace with me.

I will not die wondering, I have spent months wandering, wallowing and wondering - and nothing has changed until today. Today, everything is behind me, in the distant past. This morning I have peace of mind and hope in my heart, knowing that I'll soon be in a better place. I am calmed and composed, free of all depression and despair, relieved of all anguish and anxiety, absent of all torment and torture  - all pain and suffering have vanished. I am surrounded by the serene silence and solitude of sublime salvation.

Years ago in Time magazine, Richard Schickle wrote, "Memory is the personal journalism of the soul." This journal has been an honest attempt to share the memories of my soul.

My final wish: I would like the bronze plague I picked out be placed at the foot of my grave, with these words embossed:
                                                  Life is full of fears
                                                  That last but awhile.
                                                   Life is full of tears
                                                   That last 'till you smile.

My final prayer - to everyone I love and to all who love me, may your hearts always be sincere and my your hearts always be filled with happiness, hope and healing.

12:00pm   -   Holy Redeemer Church   _   Chatham, MA


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