May 4, 1994
"You cannot have a proud and chivalrous spirit if your conduct is mean and paltry. For whatever a man's actions are, such must be his spirit."
Demosthenes
Two months ago today, I shut the front door of what was once my home, walked up the courtyard, got into my car and drove away. Since then I've seen Maggie three times - in court for our divorce hearing, at the Jack Conway office to sign our refund check and a month ago today when I stopped by
the house to pick up a few things. Tonight I have to call her. I've hired a moving company to pack up and store my possessions and the manger wants to see what has to be moved.
I miss Andy and Yoyo. A story about Yoyo that I've been unable to write until now. When Maggie went to Connecticut for Easter, she put Andy in a kennel and left Yoyo at home. At six o'clock Easter morning, I went to the house. When I got to the front door, Yoyo jumped onto the table next to the door and looked at me through the window - she was meowing so loud I could hear her outside. With a spare key I unlocked the door and when T walked into the hallway, Yoyo leaped, leaped through the air and onto my chest. She began touching my face with her paws and then started licking my face - all the purring as loud as a locomotive. I held her in my arms and cried like a baby. After awhile I put Yoyo back on the table but she jumped back into my arms and started licking the tears from my face. The joy of that moment was the saddest, most sorrowful minute of my life, the worst I ever felt.
The next day when Maggie was home, I stopped by the house to get a few things. Both Andy and Yoyo were so happy to see me that they followed me as I went from room to room. When I picked up Yoyo with one hand and started petting with the other hand, Maggie said, "They're really not happy to see you. They're still just lonely because I was away for the weekend." Although the meanness of her remark angered me, I knew it came from a petty mind and a spiteful soul that are full of heinous hostility. If she had seen Yoyo jump on me the day before, she would have probably killed us both in a jealous rage.
Maggie has always been bothered by the fact that Andy and Yoyo liked me more than her. As she watched them following me through the house and vying for my attention and loving touch, she became embittered with enraging envy. And as hard as she tried, she could not steal that moment of joy away from me or them.
By following me, Andy and Yoyo were showing that they missed me as much as I missed them. They are not stupid. They did not forget who they loved and who loved them - who always treated them with kindness and whose hands were always gentle, who played with them and made them laughm who fed them and cooked them burgers on the grill as they watched from the screened porch, their noses twitching in anticipation. My biggest regret is that I didn't demand joint custody - if I did and it was granted, I just might have had something to live for.
A thought, a reflection: Although many evil deeds can be rationalized in the mind and find justification in the heart, the soul's intent is in the act alone. Life is full of ambiguities but none more dangerous than this, the belief that because something is legally right, it is also morally and ethically correct. We must always remember that evil comes dressed in many disguises, none so frightening beautiful as that of virtue.
6:00pm - My Parents Cottage - Sandwich, MA
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