May 5, 1994
"What you really value is what you miss, not what you have."
Jorge Luis Borges
I am thinking more and more about God. When one is facing death, God suddenly becomes the most important being in the universe. There was a time when I thought Maggie would save my soul, such is the foolishness of blind love. My soul has become my own to save or lose. For years I have either refused or ignored God's generous graces and gentle guidance. Now, I must redeem myself and gain redemption on my own.
I wonder about God and if there is a God. Did the universe and earth just evolve from some converging cosmos or was His creative presence there at the beginning? A few years ago an almost perfect skeleton of a man was found under an ice cap in the Alps. The man was named the Ice Man and it was determined that he was between 5 and 8 thousand years old. I wonder what God was doing the day the Ice Man got caught in a snow storm and froze to death? Did He feel this man's hopelessness and pain or was He indifferent to his plight? A few questions: what has God been doing all this time? How does He keep busy?
When the Big Bang went boom, did God light the spark and then rub His hands together and say, "Well, that's done!" And then sit back and watch nature and then man evolve or did He have a plan?And along the way has He tinkered and made adjustments to this experiment He created? Or has He left this entire mess alone?
Life has only one giant unknown and that is the mystery of death. Death is what everyone faces and to which all living creatures eventually succumb. With death, we slip into an unguided sphere from which we are never seen nor heard of again, and that scares us all. If there is no God, no Supreme Being, death will be endless unknowing - a sleep from which we never wake. If there is a God, we will be judged and by our actions and our behavior we will have chosen either heaven or hell. It's as simple as that!
At noontime I went to confession at Holy Trinity in Harwichport. It was my final formal act of repentance. I confessed all my sins. I told the priest about Bridget and all the impure thoughts I've had about her since that night in Dingle. I ask for forgiveness of all my sins, including those I've forgotten or failed to confess.
I have faith in God and hope that He can accept my contrition. And that by seeing that my heart is sincere, He can offer me forgiveness and mercy. What else can I do? We are all sinners, some greater than others. All we can do is confess, repent and hope. But within my heart and soul is fear - fear of the unknown and the fear of God's rage and rejection. I pray that my faith can save me.
I do not have the same love for Maggie today as I did when I started this journal. And when I die, I'll love her less than I do know. During my journeys of the last few months, physically and mentally, I have struggled through my past with her and I now hope her past is through with me. There was a time when she was sugar and spice and everything nice, but now she's colder than ice.
A thought: I wonder what will become of my belongings ? In my will I left everything to my parents and they will decide what is kept, what is sold, what is given away and what goes to the dump. But there is one caveat in all this, and that is when I die everything I own will be exactly where it is at this moment - in the house and in Maggie's possession, since the moving company won't be coming until Monday May 16th, the day after my death. Will she allow my parents access to my belongings or will she have it all hauled to the dump? My guess, the Chatham dump. But all this is now beyond my control; and concern.
What I value is what I miss. I miss Andy and Yoyo and I miss my nana and grampa Frawley. I miss the intimacy of a loving woman with a tender heart - and the gentle touch of holding hands and the soft lips of a goodnight kiss. I miss Mimi and Anne and the feeling of hope and love. A Buddhist proverb: Attachments eventually bring suffering. My life has given meaning to those words.
6:30pm - My Parents Cottage - Sandwich, MA
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