June 12, 1994

"Slip slidin' away, you know the nearer your destination the more you slip slidin' away - God only knows, God makes his plan, the information is unavailable to mortal man - slip slidin' away."
                                                                    Paul Simon  -  Slip Slidin' Away

Four weeks ago today I sat in this same pew and wrote what I thought was my last entry in this journal. It was to be my D-Day, the day I die - but it wasn't meant to be. Now, two weeks out of the hospital, I feel myself slip sliding away.

Mothers do know best. My mother didn't think I was ready to leave the hospital and she was right. I should have stayed not just for Memorial Day Weekend but for another week or two.

Mothers also seem to know everything. God gives them some extra sense that tells them when something is wrong with their sons or daughters. Last night my mother recognized that I was returning to the thoughts that led to my suicide attempt - that my mind was once again slip sliding away.

I pray that God will free her from the anxieties and worries that I have caused her, and relieve her of all the pain and suffering that I've caused - oh, to be able to undo that which has been done.

If she was putting flowers on my grave this morning would she be better off than staying up nights worrying about me and being afraid of what I may do next - wildly wondering what goes through my mind and what I may be planning? Would she be better off?   Would I be better off?

I have no answers, only questions - and the biggest question of all is this, what is this life of mine? I do not know my destination but do know that I'm slip sliding away. If God has a plan and information for me, He better make it available soon because I'm slip sliding away - away and away.

There was a visiting priest at Mass this morning. During his brief sermon he said that when he goes on vacation and strangers ask him what he does for a living, he replies, "I'm a salesman." And when they ask what he sells, he answers, "Hope!"

I wonder if he makes it available to a mortal man like me, who's slip sliding away?

11:45am   -   Holy Redeemer Church   -   Chatham, MA

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