May 22, 1994
Part 3
Just then there was a loud commotion outside the living room that seemed to becoming from the nurses' station. I walked into the hallway and saw two Barnstable policemen talking to the nurses and aides. I heard one of the nurse's say that one of the patients, Christine, had escaped. It seems that Christine had permission to sit out on the patio with her boyfriend, but when no was looking they pulled themselves over the six foot high fence that surrounded the outside area - and off they ran into the afternoon sunshine. God be with her and may she never return.
Although I had never spoken to Christine during my two days here, I was scared to death of her. Every time I saw her, whether in the hallway, dining room or community room, she would stare at me with eyes that were fierce and frightening. Eyes that screamed, "Someday I'm going to kill you."
Jesus, Mary and Joseph! I'm enclosed within a confined ward with doors that are electronically locked and windows that only open two or three inches and are covered with thick mesh screens. A place that is suppose to be safe and secure, where patients can feel comfortable and can sleep calmly. And what are the police doing? They are out looking for a wild, wrathful and wayward woman who, if they find her, they'll drag back here kicking and screaming.
God help us all! It's not the patients who need help, it's the doctors and nurses who want Christine captured and returned. In here there is no such thing as peace of mind
When I returned to the living room a nurse came in and announced that visiting hours were over. I walked my family to the door and my mother gave me a hug and kissed me - then said, "I love you! And we'll see you Tuesday afternoon for our meeting with Doctor Kerr."
Doctor Kerr is my assigned psychologist and I'm not looking forward to that meeting at all. But I smiled and said, "I love you mom! Thanks for coming>"
As they walked out the door, I was happy they left in a good mood - and probably thinking that I was slowly returning to be the person they always knew. Not knowing that deep, dark and dangerous demons were within me - conspiring against me.
It is time to go to bed - to sleep and rest. Since patients are not allowed to have money, I am stuck here. If I had just $20,00, I would try to get permission to sit out on the patio and then make a run for it - climbing over the fence like Christine. I would go down to the docks and take the ferry to Nantucket. And once the ferry was a few miles out to sea, I would jump off. Since I can't swim, I would slowly disappear and drown. My suffering from so much emotional and mental pain and anguish would finally be over - buried at sea.
My suicide attempt last Sunday was so thought out, so well planned and so easily executed, that the fact that I survived is still beyond my comprehension. What went wrong, what went wrong? There is within me neither guilt nor remorse. What I do feel are the powerful sensations of loneliness and sadness.
Life can change in a minute and you never see it coming. And all too often the future meets us in ways we never imagined. My entire life has been spent going in the and out of the wrong doors. What happens to me is never what I expect. I've spent a lifetime always expecting one thing when something else happens. Once again I've gone in the wrong door first - only this time it's locked behind me and I can't get out.
10:00pm - Cape Psych Center - Hyannis, MA
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