May 24, 1994
"Good Riddance!"
Jonathan Yardley - On The Death of Richard Nixon
This has been another long and exhausting day. During the morning I had lengthy sessions with my psychologist, Doctor Kerr, and my psychiatrist, Doctor Silbret. And at 3:00pm this afternoon there was an intensive meeting with Doctor Kerr and my mother and father.
I am going to be released on Friday but there are some strings attached. I was given the option of being discharged on Friday as long as I spend the long Memorial Day Weekend with my parents in Sandwich and go to a few AA meetings - or I could leave next Tuesday under my own accord with no strings. Under both options it was strongly suggested that I continue my therapy at the Cape Psych Center as an outpatient - Doctor Silbret would remain my psychiatrist but I would have a different psychologist, Doctor Daniels. So, come Friday I am gone!
Anyway, when I get out of here and when my mind clears, I am going to re-read a few books - One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter and When Bad Things Happen To Good People. And I'm going to read as many books as I can about depression, despair and suicide. I need to find out as much as I can about the person I've become and how I can return to being just another normal person - if I ever was one to begin with.
Some day. when and if I ever heal and drive the demons from my being and thoughts of suicide from my mind and get over the pain, I am going to try to write about my suicide attempt - what led up to it and what followed. That's my daydream for today.
I am beginning to enjoy it here, I feel at home - even the food is good. In an odd way this hospital is a rejuvenation camp. A place where those whose ideas of life have gone astray or whose sense of reality has become distorted can rest - and find shelter from the storms that surround them and be free of the burdens of expectations. I am at peace here. I can identify with all the patients and find comfort in their company.
This place is funny and sad, amusing and depressing. I am reminded of the expression. "The world is funny to those who think, tragic to those who feel." I think and feel way too much which is both a blessing and a curse - and it is something I'll never be able to change, the constant struggle between intellect and emotions. I have come to the conclusion that one of the reasons some people fear and mistrust those of us who are mentally ill, is that they secretly believe that our illness is contagious. Thus we are shunned and avoided like lepers of Biblical times and instead of using rocks to stone us, they use their eyes, mannerisms and words.
At 3:00pm my parents arrived and we met with Doctor Kerr. When we entered his office, Doctor Kerr sat behind his desk and my parents and I sat in chairs facing him - my mother sitting between me and my father. Looking at my mother, Doctor Kerr said, "Mary, from talking to Tom I know that your father committed suicide many years ago. So, I can only imagine how traumatic it must have been for you when you received the news of your son's suicide attempt. Howe do you feel now?"
I looked at my mother and she started to cry. Where my father was sitting I saw the image of my grandfather. And I suddenly realized for the very first time that if I had succeeded in killing myself, my mother would have suffered the loss of both a father and son to suicide. I was shaken by that thought and felt crushed by guilt and shame.
With a tissue my mother wiped the tears from her cheeks and eyes and said, "I did think about it but I didn't dwell upon it. I just didn't have the time, all my thoughts and prayers were focused on Tommy surviving. I just wanted him to live and be all right. What bothered me the most was knowing that he had to be in terrible pain to do what he did."
I put my around my mother and told her I was sorry, then told my father I was sorry. Since then almost seven hours have passed and I'm not sure if my sorrow was sincere or just an emotional reaction to the moment - just not sure. But one thing I am sure about is that true love can never be destroyed nor conquered. I love my parents and they love me and when I leave here they will be there to help me. And I know this truth, I harmed them, I pierced their hearts with sickening sadness. As the hour of my suicide attempt approached, I never once thought of my parents nor did I think of the consequences of the act I was about to commit. Such is the daunting and deadening dilemma of suicide, the inability to see beyond one's self.
I was so unnerved by Doctor Kerr's opening question and the sudden realization it imposed on me, that my mind wandered throughout most of the meeting. I sat there, listened, answered questions and made comments - but have little recollection of what was said.
What I do remember are a few things my mother said. She doesn't want me released on Friday. She thinks I should spend at least another week here. I also remember my mother asking Doctor Kerr if he could explain why I took my vitamins and read the newspaper a few hours before I attempted suicide? I laughed and Doctor Kerr smiled as he pointed at me to answer.
"Jesus, mom," I replied, "I answered that question the other day. After all I put you through during the past week or so, I can't understand why this still bothers you?"
"Because it makes no sense to me," she answered. "What good are vitamins going to do you if you're planning to die in a few hours. And why in hell would you care what was in the Boston Globe?"
Doctor Kerr said, "Mary,one of the reasons suicide is so difficult to prevent is that most people follow their daily routine, almost right up to the moment they decide to die. What makes it difficult for you to understand, is that you expected Tom to act differently and he didn't. And that's why suicide is so hard to prevent. People keep their plans to themselves and, for the most part, behave normally to those around them by simply doing what they usually do out of habit and routine."
My mother appeared to accept the explanation and a few minutes later the meeting ended. After a hug and a kiss goodbye, a nurse let them out and I returned to my room. The best part about today was my meeting with Doctor Silbret. I learned about the "attack" divorce and I learned that I must rid myself of the past. So, from this day forward my motto and mantra is, "Good Riddance!" Good riddance to Maggie! Good riddance to the past and its painful memories. Good riddance to the dark days of this winter and spring. The past is dead and I must drive a stake through it and then bury it forever.
What about Andy and Yoyo? I'll never see them again and must now bury them in my heart. And that is where they and their memories will remain. Maybe the time will come when I'll get a new Andy or Yoyo - and we'll begin a new life together and create new memories of our very own.
I realize it will be a lot easier to chant "Good Riddance" than to live them. But live them I must - it's the only way I'll have any chance of surviving once I leave. I must live them or die.
10:15pm - Cape Psych Center - Hyannis, MA
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