December 2, 1994
"Life demands skills I do not have."
Susanna Kaysen - Girl, Interrupted
I just finished reading the book, Girl, Interrupted - I read it twice in two days. Although I was in a mental hospital for only a week, I could relate to being confined to a locked ward and could understand the tragic comedy that takes place within its walls. What I have learned from my own experience and reading the book is that life is a loophole of varying and vexing vagueness. If I'm ever in need of a mental tune-up, I might consider going to McLean's.
The everyday feelings that guide us through our lives are all probably the products of evolution - among them are guilt, envy, compassion, love, lust, a sense of justice, a need for companionship and a desire for happiness. This week I've been on an emotional roller coaster, suffering from mental whiplash and weariness. The everyday feelings that have guided me during this time have been loneliness and hopelessness. Last night I was expressing these thoughts at the Samaritans and was asked how I would feel if I found out I had an inoperable brain tumor and only had months to live? I said it would depend on my mental mood and disposition. If I was given the news last week, I would have felt frightened and dejected. If given the news today, I would welcome it and look forward to death. Such is the nature of my illness, it is unstable and shifty - one day life is precious, the next day death is eminent.
What I like best about the Samaritans is that I can express my suicidal thoughts and tendencies openly - without fear of reprisal or judgment. Although my doctors are excellent therapists, educated and professional, they become adversarial and alarmists whenever I bring up suicide - which, in turn, makes be backtrack and become defensive. With them my honesty and openness have developed defined borders which I'm hesitant to breach - for when I mention suicide my doctors become absurd and awkward amateurs.
It seems to me that the psychiatric profession hasn't been properly prepared to deal with patients who are pained by suicidal thoughts. Whereas the women at the Samaritans, all volunteers from various backgrounds unrelated to psychology, are well informed and enlightened - unafraid to probe with pointed questions, always ready to challenge and to comfort. They understand suicide and all its implications and they realize that the expression of suicidal thoughts often frees the person from the burdens of those thoughts. Getting involved with the Samaritans has been the best thing I've done - for they are helping me free myself from the burdens I carry.
It has been often said and written that love is the only possession that matters, and I've come to believe it. I have been without love for almost a year and now I see how my mother suffers from losing the love of her life. I feel so sad for her, seeing her suffer as she does. Life suddenly demands from her skills she doesn't have - so she sits alone in the den wishing the day away. When I am upbeat, feeling healthy and hopeful, I try to do as much as I can for her. When I feel weakened by my illness, there isn't much I can do for her - at times like that I feel so worthless and empty as a person and s a son.
Yes, life sometimes demands skills I do not have - to which I add, yet. For I am determined to get better and develop the skills necessary to do so. In an interview in the July 11th issue of Time Magazine, Susanna Kaysen said, "Everyone should have a vice, and everyone does." To which I add, some are more visible than others. We also have sacrilegious and scandalous secrets that are never shared, for they are our most venomous vices.
Life's a loony loophole of vagueness, whether visible or hidden.
3:15pm - Brooks Library - Harwich, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
Comments
Post a Comment