December 25, 1994
Christmas

"Christmas in Bethlehem. The ancient dream: a cold, clear night made brilliant by a glorious star."
                                                                Lucinda Franks  -  Pligrimage

The less written about today, the better. It was not a happy Christmas and it was not without tears. There was no merriment nor mirth, nut there was plenty of negativity and criticism - argumentative attitudes and underlying ungratefulness. It was a day of tensions and frustration, a day that needs to be forgotten. I am glad that it is finally over but wish I was snowed in and stranded in Sandwich.

I'm not sure if today was worse than last Christmas, but it wasn't any better. I spent last Christmas weekend with Andy and Yoyo - Maggie was off visiting relatives in Connecticut. There were no gifts to open, no one to wish, "Merry Christmas." On Christmas morning I walked to the 8:00am Mass. It was brutally cold, the sidewalk was slippery, packed with ice and snow. On the way home a woman I didn't know stopped and offered me a ride - which I accepted. I spent the afternoon getting drunk, drinking shots of Jameson and bottles of Guinness and Heineken. For Christmas dinner I had canned Chicken A La King with white rice.

Today, there was no whiskey to dull the senses, no beer to numb the pain and ease the tension. Now, it is too late to get drunk and it is too late to start the day over - hoping for a better outcome. Today has been just another day in a long year of days in which misery reigned. But before I go to bed a Christmas wish - that in some future year, I'll once again celebrate a merry and memorable Christmas.

I read once that you should never let the joy of childhood escape from you, never allow the wonderment of Christmas leave you. Joy and wonderment slipped away from me years ago, but I must seek to recapture them during the coming year. If my past has taught me anything, it is that happiness is fragile and fleeting - elusive but oh, so endearing. If I am to fill the emptiness within me, I must find a way to hold onto the promises the spirit of Christmas offers to one and all.

A dream: I have always wanted to spend a Christmas in Bethlehem. And as I walked the narrow streets and alleys on my way to Midnight Mass, I would hear the church's choir sing, "O Come, All Ye Faithful." It would be a holy night, calm and bright - and when I finally went to bed in the early morning hours, I would sleep in heavenly peace.

10:00pm   -   My Childhood Room   -   Randolph, MA

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com

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