December 31, 1994
New Year's Eve
"Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne?"
Robert Burns - Auld Lang Syne
Today is the last day of the worst year of my life, a year I survived rather than lived. I have never understood the importance and significance of this holiday - celebrating the end of one year and the beginning of a new. But tonight I make an exception, as I look back at this year I give it the fucking finger, with both hands. Nietzsche wrote, "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." What I've gone through, I must be Superman.
I end this year in better shape, mentally and emotionally stronger than I began it. This year seemed a lot longer than twelve months, and at times the past appears closer than it really is. There is nothing from this year that needs to be remembered, but I know nothing will ever be forgotten.
It's hard not to think back to my suicide attempt and ask, was I seeking an easy way out? I don't think so but even if I was, sometimes the east way out is the right way out - and for me it was the right thing to do because in my mind there was no other option. But today I have other options and am learning how to work through the pain of depression and despair, and I am learning how to overcome my anxieties and fears - plus the medication is helping to stabilize my moods and in so doing so I am having more better days than bad ones. It is hard not to think about why I Lived when I wanted to die, and why my father died when he wanted to live? And I wonder if my mother, brother and his family share this thought - would they trad my life for my dad's? I wonder why and pray.
An observation with no response: have you ever wondered why men to little boys grow, while little girls to women grow? Why boys to men never seem to mature, while girls to women seem all too mature? The riddle of the sexes!
I have been watching MTV and VH1 and it's strange how certain songs can trigger such vivid memories - memories of happier times, memories of the women I knew. Songs from the albums Wildflowers and Colors of the Day by Judy Collins remind me of Anne. Songs from Bob Dylan's Nashville Skyline and the Beatle's Let It Be remind me of Mimi. Songs from Bruce Springsteen's Born To Run and Fleetwood Mac's self-titled white album remind me of Mary. And what about Maggie? The songs that remind me of her need to find new memories. But when I hear a song from Bob Seger's Against The Wind, it's hard not to think of her, to think of time past and love lost. The mood and melody of music are magical and mysterious, the sounds of reminiscence, the musings of melancholy.
I miss Mimi this day. In hindsight, divorcing her was the biggest and most costly mistake of my life. I loved her and she loved me. She loved my mother and father and they adored her. We were best friends and did almost as much together when we were separated and divorced as we did when we were married. We were made for one another but I didn't recognize it at the time. I wasn't mature nor prepared for the love she had and the friendship she offered - my mind and being were elsewhere and they remained there during all the years that followed.
A year ago I was alone and spent the night at the Jack Conway office. I read and listened to one of the football bowl games on the radio. At midnight I heard the fireworks explode over Oyster Pond as Chatham's First Night came to a close. Tonight I am still alone but in much better company - am comfortable with myself and my mind isn't reeling and revolting in ravaging chaos. A year ago I was crazy and confusion reigned, mental madness permeated and prevailed. I was full of fear and anxiety and my future was fruitless and fatally flawed.
What a difference a year has made! My life has changed and I've improved myself, particularly over the past four months. I still suffer from severe bouts of depression and despair, suicide can still invade my thoughts - but where there was only darkness, there is now a light within me. What has saved and sustained me, as much as faith and hope, has been my sense of humor - even in my darkest hours it has not deserted me and for this I am most grateful.
I look forward to the New Year, regardless of what it may hold - not because it can't be worse than this year but because I know it will be better. Tomorrow I will awake with hope in my heart and there is no better way to begin anew.
7:30pm - My Parents Cottage - Sandwich, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
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