February 10, 1995
"You are permitted in time of great danger to walk with the devil until you have crossed the bridge."
A Bulgarian Proverb
It is often said the the hardest lesson in life and the toughest question to answer are which bridges to burn and which to cross - what to hold onto, what to leave behind? During the past year I have encountered a series of bridges, some I crossed, others I burned. I cannot say with certainty if I walked with the devil or not, but do know that the demons of depression and despair were often my guides.
I have no regrets! To imply otherwise would mean I could have done things differently, that I could have modified my behavior and changed directions - that I had choices. But once I decided to kill myself all choices were made, there were no other options in my mind - and I couldn't have acted any differently than I did. I cannot rebuild the bridges I burned and I cannot backtrack over the bridges I crossed - all deeds are final.
Today, thanks to therapy and medications, I now have choices and am in the process of crossing a much different bridge - and must decide what to hold onto and what to leave behind? What must be left behind is my past - there is no room for it in my future because is has become too cumbersome and corrosive. It is now important and necessary that the bridges to the past be burned and left behind to smolder to ashes - and for the wind to scatter what remains.
There is another thing I must leave behind and that is this town and the people in it - even my friends. I know I have written that before, but this time I mean it - there is no doubt. Chatham is no longer my hometown. I don't belong here, am a silent stranger without a home, a misbegotten man. Sandwich is my new hometown, it is where I belong.
To change the person you are, the person you have become for far too long, takes more than desire and effort. It usually requires a drastic event that drags you to the bottom that you didn't know existed. And when you gather your senses and focus on where you are and who you have become, you will finally realize, if you are lucky, there are but two options remaining - to stay the same and face further destruction and possibly death, or to seek change and hope and pray for the best. When I left the hospital May 27th, I was faced with those two options and I knew that if I didn't try to change, another suicide attempt was inevitable - fatally so. I was given a second chance at life and decided to seek change - it has not been easy nor has it been without fear and doubts. . But by seeking change, I found within me an inner strength and courage I didn't know I had, discovered a perseverance and fortitude I didn't know existed. I have surprised myself! I have reached beyond my furthest grasp, beyond what I thought I was capable of doing - and thus far have somewhat succeeded.
Winter is slowly passing. The days are getting longer. On sunny days it is now light until 5:15pm and with each passing day the time expands. And as the days grow brighter, so do I - my moods and outlook becoming more positive. Just as nature will soon begin the process of renewal, there is within me a developing spring of hope and feelings of rebirth. There is a new life ahead of me waiting to be discovered - and I pray that I grow into it gracefully and gratefully.
A few years ago there was a Peanuts cartoon in which Charlie Brown said, "I always worry about the wrong things." That could be the motto of my life. I always worried about the picayune, puny and mundane matters that my mind mushroomed into burdens that became time consuming concerns. I would become possessed and riddled with anxiety. With an insincere heart I would offer wistful prayers full of promises and proposals, bargains and bequests, begging God for relief and remedy. But my bargains were never honored, my promises never kept - for I was a selfish sinner, a poor penitent and a pathetic petitioner.
Today I am worrying less, projecting less often and am learning to focus on what's important. I am beginning to appreciate the life I've been given, am learning to accept my weaknesses. I have been blessed beyond what I deserve, given graces beyond my worthiness.
In a few days it will be Valentine's Day and I will bring my mother a bouquet of flowers. It will be a gift of love, a gift of gratitude - knowing that if not for a miracle, she would be putting flowers on my grave.
An odd, little known fact about Saint Valentine - his remains and relics are in a small, gold-plated chest in the Whitefriar Street Church in Dublin. The remains and relics were a gift to the Carmelite Fathers from Pope Gregory XVI - and were brought to the church with great ceremony and solemnity on November 10, 1836. That's no Irish blarney - but a fact. I've been there and knelt beneath the statue of Saint Valentine and before gold-plated chest which also contains a vial of his blood.
It is time to leave this town, the devil be damned! I am now crossing what I pray is my final, foreboding bridge - from darkness to light, from despair to hope, from death to life. I am up to the challenge, for I know that by conquering my past I am insuring my future.
3:15pm - Eldredge Library - Chatham, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
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