January 11, 1995
"Now is no time to think of what you can use that you do not have. Think of what you can do with what you have."
Earnest Hemingway - The Old Man And The Sea
Today is my birthday! It is often hard to comprehend the long, strange journey I've been on for the past year - and all the changes that have taken place. A year ago I spent the evening getting drunk at the Bee Hive Tavern and spent the night at the Earl of Sandwich Motor Lodge - sad and alone, absent of all other feelings except the pain of depression and despair. Today I am in a far better place, a much different person. Although I still have bad days, they are not as excruciating as they once were - my thinking not so extreme.
When I woke up this morning I suddenly collapsed from mental exhaustion. I knew that the period from mid December to my birthday would be difficult time and it was, emotionally trying and tiring. But I survived the past month and am relieved. I didn't jump off the Sagamore Bridge nor did I think of doing so. There is within me a touch of sadness and loneliness, for birthdays are not meant to be spent alone. But I much prefer the way today has gone than how I falsely celebrated this day a year ago. Back then I was lost and unable to deal with life and what was happening to me - overwhelmed by reality's harshness, unable to cope. Today, it isn't so much that I'm doing better but rather that I am getting better - slowly and silently as each day has passed.
This afternoon I needed someone to talk to, so I called Jackie, my friend from the Samaritans. She told me that for the first time in my life I am confronting the suicides of Anne and my grandfather, and the mental and emotional damage their deaths have caused me. She said that the past, which has always been part of my present, part of my everyday now, will in time retreat and be resolved. And that there is but one answer to the nagging and troublesome question that has bother me for most of my life - what could I have done to prevent their deaths, their suicides? The answer is NOTHING, not a thing, because you can't prevent what you know nothing about - and it is important that I understand that and accept it, for it is the truth.
I do understand what Jackie said and do accept it - for her words are true. From the experience of my own suicide attempt, I know that what I did was unpreventable because no one knew my plans but me - just as my grandfather and Anne kept their plans to themselves. For decades I have been burdened by guilt, a guilt that created a truth that didn't exist and made it real. And this guilt robbed me of life and ruined every relationship I've had with a woman. I do not blame Anne nor my grandfather for any of this, for what faults there are, they are entirely mine.
Their deaths shocked me, a shock that I am only now recovering from. I should have sought help decades ago but help is a four letter word that is often difficult to utter, and the need for help is sometimes impossible to recognize. But when I woke up in the mental ward of the Cape Cod Hospital, help was the only word I knew. And since then I've been getting all the help I can and that has made all the difference - a life that bordered on death is learning to live, learning to live in the present.
I have spent most of my life thinking about what I could use that I didn't have - which has led me nowhere. But since my hospitalization I have been learning about what I can do with what I have. It has not been easy. Death was once a simple solution, my only option. But today my life is important to me, my life a struggle worth surviving - for I have recognized the importance of improving my life. All that I once had is gone - my marriage, love, home and possessions. All that remains is what's inside of me, the desire and willingness to get better and do whatever is necessary to improve my life, utilizing what I have to do what needs to be done.
6:00pm - My Parents Cottage - Sandwich, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
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