January 31, 1995
"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your heart...who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."
Carl Jung - Letters, Volume I
For most of my life I have looked outward and dreamed, fantasies of a life that never was nor will ever be - unrealistic images of a life I would never live nor could live. These dreams were always haunted by demons from the past that were always part of the present. Since my hospitalization I have been forced to look inward and confront these demons - which is something I have never done before. The suicides of Anne and my grandfather were deaths that shattered my soul and damaged my spirit. Their deaths shocked my psyche and robbed me of life as I mourned them for decades and wondered what I could have done to have had their lives turn out differently - wondered what I could have done to have prevented their sorrowful passing? It is only now, through therapy, that I am beginning to heal, by acknowledging the despair they caused me and how much I still miss them? By looking inward I am awaking from the past, a past full of sadness, loss and regret. Although my progress is often tempered by my various moods and emotions, I do see a future full of promise and peace of mind.
I am also getting over my divorce, gradually and at times grudgingly. It isn't the divorce itself that bothers me, but rather the means Maggie used to achieve her ends. Through therapy I am plodding through the pain she caused me.
Over the past few weeks I have been tinged with sadness, a sadness whose roots I cannot readily identify. Maybe it's just the mid-winter blues, maybe it's from spending too much time alone. Since my father's death I have spent most of my time living in solitary confinement - by choice, here at the cottage. I am also spending a lot of time in churches and libraries. They are the perfect places to write and read because I am surrounded in solitude and silence - people don't bother me and they instinctively keep their distance. I realize I need more structure in my life, a more defined direction and purpose. Although my doctors have urged me to become more active, to become more involved with life, I prefer to be alone - for I need more time to heal.
This afternoon I mentioned to Doctor Daniels my feelings of sadness and unhappiness. He said these feelings are expected and are part of the healing process. He said that since my grandfather's death, I have suffered in silence with each tragic loss I've endured. He then said that in time sadness will fade and that happiness will once again find its way into my heart - that happiness will come slowly as I gradually free myself from the burdens of the past that have plagued me for far too long. In a tone that reminded me of my dad when he offered me fatherly advice, Doctor Daniels said, "True happiness always comes from within and it comes from the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think openly, to love freely and to be needed by making myself necessary to someone. Happiness allows us to embrace life with all its risks and to live in the present as we look forward to the future. And happiness gives us the freedom to enjoy the simplicity of life's pleasures in all that we encounter."
I strive to be able to enjoy simply, to think not just openly but clearly, to once again love and be loved, to embrace life and all it possesses. I have always been able to feel deeply but it's been remorse not joy that embraced my heart and soul. At a young age I was drawn to life's dark shadows and there I remained - afraid to emerge into life's guiding light. Such a life harmed me more than I'll ever realize - and it harmed those I once loved.
By living in the dark shadows I was always outside of life's light. My dreams were nightmares of the past and the endings never changed. It wasn't that I constantly relived the past, it was that I never moved beyond it - lost and alone. I wasted away and slowly died. I have learned the hard way that life is too short to live in the daily thoughts of streams of consciousness that can never be resolved, nor need to be. Over the past few months I have been emerging from the shadows by looking within myself and wrestling the demons that have possessed me into submission. And by doing so, I am awakening - awakening from the dark past into the light of the present, knowing that the future is as bright as I want it to be.
8:30pm - My Parents Cottage - Sandwich, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
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