November 18, 1994

"I long to walk with some old lover's ghost, who died before the god of love was born."
                                                John Donne  -  Love's Deity


Since Halloween I've been thinking of Mary, my old girlfriend. We dated for five or six years and our relationship was often rocky. We had a lot in common and were compatible in many ways. Maggie and I had little in common, nothing of significance except love - which proved not to be substantial since it just eroded and faded.

Mary and I went on vacations together and weekend getaways - we enjoyed beer and booze, sex, drugs and rock and roll. Maggie never drank, a bad omen if there ever was one - at times I'm surprised we stayed married as long as we did. Mary and I rarely spoke of marriage and it wasn't often that we said the words, "I love you" - but we clung to each other because we often had great times together. Our downfall was that we argued, fought too frequently.

Mary and I were better lovers than friends. Mimi and I were better friends than lovers. Maggie and I were failures at both - that we coasted through our marriage without direction, which was primarily my fault. Over the last few years she tolerated me and I took her for granted - a combination of disaster and doom.

These past few weeks I have missed Mary and have thought of our time together. I miss our wild nights of drunken debauchery. The absence of love creates foolish and forlorn fantasies, which I willingly indulge in and weave.

After meeting Maggie, Mary and I tried to get back together but I took advantage of her offers to reconcile - my motives less than honorable, for they were seedy, secretive and selfish.

Near the end of the poem, Love's Deity, John Dunne writes, "Falsehood is worse than hate." As I look back this day at an old lover's ghost, what I see is the falsehood of my heart - I danced with deception and paid with my soul.

3:15pm   -   Sandwich Library   -   Sandwich, MA

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com

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