November 2, 1994
All Soul's Day
"Absolve, Oh Lord, the souls of all the faithful departed from every bond of sin. And by the help of Your grace may they be enabled to escape the judgment of punishment. And enjoy the bliss of everlasting light."
Prayer From A Mass For The Dead
November, nothing separates its image from reality - bitter, brown and barren. it is a month of submission, a stubborn month that takes but never gives. Its days kill what life remains, its nights warn of winter. November is gloom and blight. It is death and the month for remembering the dead. November is stillness, silence, sorrow, seclusion, sacrifice, surrender and shadows. It is a month of dark days and endless nights November is notorious for nature's neglect and nakedness, death and decay are its defiant demons.
The surest sign of age, of growing old, is not gray hair or deepening wrinkles - nor the birth of a first grandchild. It is when you pray for more friends, family and relatives who are dead than those who are alive. I have reached such a point in my life, am growing old beyond my years. I have never been able to forget those who have died. It probably goes back to the earliest years of elementary school when the nuns always reminded us to pray for the souls in purgatory - I heard their words and continue to pray. Now, I wonder will I be remembered in prayers when I am gone? Years and decades later?
I hated getting out of bed these last two mornings, the beginning days of November, my least favorite. In a few weeks the period of my worst memories with Maggie and the period of the worst nightmares of my life will reach the one year mark - for it all began a year ago on the 22nd of this month. The very thought of having to live with these memories, to relive them with each passing day a reference point, terrifies me beyond reason. And the very thought or the mention of the words Thanksgiving and Christmas makes me shiver with sadness. I wish I could hibernate under a soft and puffy comforter and quilt, go to sleep and not wake-up until Saint Patrick's Day.
I am alone with bad memories and thoughts of death. When I was in the hospital one of my doctor's told me, "Have a bad memory and a good sense of humor." Is it possible to have a poor memory with bad memories? Is a year enough time to turn tears of sorrow into tears of laughter? The only answer I can give is that I shall try, try and let the past remain in the graveyard in which it belongs - alone with the finality of death.
On this All Soul's Day I am reminded that although we are all children of God, we are also unsavory sinners, some greater and worst than others. All we can do is confess with a sincere heart, repent, pray for mercy, hope for forgiveness and trust in God's goodness. And when our judgment day arrives,may we find rest in the loving and luxurious light of God's peace.
3:30pm - Brooks Library - Harwich, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
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