November 9, 1994
"God knows that a mother needs fortitude and courage and tolerance and flexibility and patience and firmness and nearly every other brave aspect of the human soul."
Phyllis McGinley - McCall's Magazine
Until recently my mother was a vessel of valiant virtues and all the other brave and bold aspects of the human soul. But since my father's death she is withdrawn and withering in silent sadness. Her speech can be rambling and her mind often wanders off in mid-sentence. The kitchen table and the den's couch are littered with unpaid bills, envelopes and junk mail. She has difficulty completing an act or task. All offers of help are refused. She is lost and languishing, alone and afraid.
She has become a mirror image of what I was and what I am trying to overcome. Just the sight of her saddens me, breaks my heart. I love my mother and must show my love for her now more than ever - must learn to accept the changes in her as she seems to be fading away. And I must try to bring some order to her life, help her more without asking - make myself available to assist her anyway I can. There has always been a strong bond between us and I must not allow what she is going through to weaken me. I must find a way to strengthen myself, so that she can depend upon me as I have depended upon her. Today is her birthday but there is no happiness.
Winter is coming - it is cold, raw and damp. There is a strong Northeast wind and with every gust more dead leaves fall from the trees, and sail and spin across the yard. Everyday it seems to be getting colder. I hate winter, I hate the cold, the cold chills my bones and soul. Once I enjoyed the bitterness of winter, but no longer. Now, I long for Florida, sun and warmth - and it's still autumn, winter's not for another six weeks.
A year ago today Maggie told me to get lost - not exactly in those words, she was more diplomatic, devious and deceptive. She suggested, rather adamantly, that I go to Florida and visit the Saint Leo Alumni Employment office - and see if I could find a decent job. Since she had returned from Key West a week earlier, there had been troublesome tension between us - which had begun a few weeks before she left. I took her suggestion as a way to escape for a few weeks - for Maggie it was a clever way to get me out of the house with the intentions of never having me return. Little did I realize when I left a few weeks later that when I did return, my life as I knew it to be was over, not just finished but destroyed.
From this day forward everyday will be a reminder of what took place a year ago. My doctors are aware that I am entering a tentative and tumultuous time, a perilous period in my life. But I have promised myself and them that I will try not to relive the past - for to dwell on those days would be dangerous. My father's death has made me stronger, have been more focused on my recovery, more conscious of my mental weaknesses. Depression and despair have not deserted me, suicidal thoughts still invade my mind. But I am learning to cope, to somehow strive beyond these daunting disabilities. Some days I succeed, some days I fail - but I struggle onward, refusing to quit.
What I need to do is to recapture the virtues and brave aspects of the human soul that my father's death has stolen from my mother - then I can give back to her everything she has given to me.
4:15pm - My Childhood Room - Randolph, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
Comments
Post a Comment