October 31, 1994
Halloween

"So many ghosts and forms of fright have started from their graves tonight."
                               Henry Wardsworth Longfellow  -  The Golden Legend

I have never liked Halloween, even as a kid. I enjoyed the treats and candy but always hated parading around in a silly costume, knocking on strange doors - full of fear that I was about to receive a tasteless and treacherous trick. Prior to last year, I spent many of the previous Halloween's in Key West for Fantasy Fest - a week long celebration of debauchery and drunkenness. Everyday from noon to midnight I would drink one beer after another, moving from bar to bar, up and down Duval Street. Those days have disappeared and it's just as well.

Today is my old girlfriend's birthday and the last time I saw Mary was on this day fourteen years ago. I stopped by her apartment in Waltham on my way to see Maggie in Boston. But Mary didn't know that - I can't remember if I gave her a present, I can't remember the excuse I gave her when I told her I couldn't stay. After that night we never saw each other again. We did speak a few times on the phone and then I told her I was getting married - and she wasn't going to be the bride. What a bastard I was, probably still am!  But wherever she is, wherever love may find her, I wish her well - Happy Birthday.

On Saturday the clocks were turned back - spring ahead, fall behind to Standard Time. Although there are four seasons in a year, I believe there are but two, the season of light and the season of darkness. Late Sunday afternoon as the sun started to set, we entered the season of darkness - and winter beckons from the bleak and black distance.

Last Thursday I turned in my application for Social Security at the Falmouth office. It only took me six weeks to complete. It would have taken a normal person a few hours to finish - but I am no longer normal, for I sometimes find the simplest of tasks difficult to do. I signed a number of release forms so that my doctors can send in my medical records, diagnosis and recommendations. If I can collect Social Security it will be a godsend. It will provide me a monthly income and some peace of mind. And once I file for bankruptcy within the next few months, I'll some financial order and stability in my life.

Right now I'm just not capable of looking for a job, lack the ability to function in a work environment  and have difficulty focusing beyond my immediate surroundings - strangers frighten me, groups of people instill anxiety attacks and loud noises make me nervous and scared. Getting a check from Social Security will give me more than money, it will give me time - time to recover and get better, time to focus on my fears and phobias, time to overcome my depression and despair, time to heal my painful wounds.

The porch light is on and there are two large bags of Almond Joy's and Mounds on the hallway table - but there are no trick or treaters, no gruesome ghosts or goblins. It is dark and quiet, the perfect stillness for macabre monsters to slip from their graves and bring fright to this night - by dancing in silhouette silence beneath the starry sky and whispering BOO into your ear.

7:00pm   -   My Parents Cottage   -   Sandwich, MA


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