IN MEMORY OF ANNE, THE SADNESS OF SUICIDE

In Memory of Anne, The Sadness of Suicide

It took me over 43 years to write this article. For decades I only had two lines: Anne, you said I love you but you never said goodbye and Anne, your smile was a false god. That was all I had and as hard as I tried I could not write anything more. Then I woke up one morning in October 2012, and the entire article was written in my mind - I sat down and wrote it. It was published in the Cape Cod Times on November 30, 2012.

                                            

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"You know my love goes with you, as your love stays with me."

                                        Leonard Cohen

Anne, you said, "I love you," but you never said goodbye. We were so young and you were oh so beautiful, so full of grace and charm, of wonder and mystery.

Anne, you were gorgeous, confident funny and smart with a playful spirit. A woman perfectly radiant in your beauty, yet you were fragile, deceptively delicate.

But dear Anne, your smile was a false god, captivating and dazzling in its brilliance but discreetly deceiving. For hidden behind your seducing smile was the pain you suffered.

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Suicide is death by sadness. Suicide is so sudden, so shattering. It is an act of desperation from dark depression. After endless battles within the mind, a person becomes detached from life.

Life becomes a suffocating struggle. In her book, "Girl, Interrupted," Susanna Keysen wrote, "Life demands skills I do not have." A person who commits suicide losses the skills to live and the ability to face life's demands.

For loved ones, suicide is so unexpectedly final, yet it has no ending. It steals life from the living as one struggles to make sense of the loss, tries to overcome feelings of guilt and anguish and the tormenting thoughts of how the tragedy could have been prevented.

A suicide is so devastating, life is never the same again. The wounds never heal, the broken hearts never mend.

I write with some experience. Besides losing people I loved and adored to suicide, I have attempted suicide three times. The last time was in 1994. When I arrived at the hospital I was not expected to live but somehow miraculously survived.

This is what I learned: not once before my suicide attempt did I think of the ramifications of my death. Not once did I think about how my death would affect those who loved me. Not once, because my mental suffering was so powerfully overwhelming.

Rarely is suicide an act of selfishness, an act of a coward. Suicide is death by sadness.

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On Saturday evening, February 15, 1969, Anne and I were juniors at Saint Leo College(now University) in Florida, had a few beers at the campus bar, Club '67. When then went for a walk before spending the night together.

As the sun was rising on Sunday morning, we walked to your dorm. We kissed and then Anne took a small red button with white lettering from her pocket and pinned it to my jacket. It read, "I AM LOVED." She kissed me and whispered, "I love you," then walked inside.

Later we met at breakfast, talked about going out that night but never did. From that moment so much time has passed, she forever young and me growing old, yet it has also stayed still. For she has always remained, absolutely adorable Anne.

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Some cold hard facts from the Centers for Disease Control: in the latest yearly figures, there are more suicides than murders, more suicides by gun than homicides by guns, and more suicides than automobile fatalities. More than three times as many people commit suicide than are killed in alcohol-related accidents.

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death. But what is being done to prevent this silent epidemic of death? The Samaritans and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention do great work but more is needed. Suicide has become a public health crisis and must be confronted as such - on a federal, state and local levels and in our schools and colleges.

Suicide has been a taboo subject far too long. While everyone is looking the other way, more than 35,000 people kill themselves every year. Suicide is a serious public health crisis and what's is being done to prevent it?

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Anne, you said, "I love you," but you never said goodbye. We were so young and you were oh so beautiful. You are missed. You are loved.

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The sadness of suicide remains forever.

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com