SUICIDE: THE SAVAGE GOD

In his book The Savage God, A. Alvarez quotes the Russian writer Boris Pasternak, "You have no conception of the inner torture which precedes suicide."

Pain! The pervasive pain that leads a person to that moment of no return. And there is the paralyzing pain that breaks the hearts and shatters the souls of those who have lost a loved one to suicide.

Between the ages of eleven and twenty-three,  I lost the two people I loved the most to suicide - my grandfather and my girlfriend. For decades their deaths consumed me as my mind raged with the solitary question, why, why, why? Why did they do this? Why did they do this to me? Never once did I think of the pain they suffered that lead to their deaths. But I was well aware of the pain their deaths caused me - decade after decade.

How can you recognize, how can you describe, pain you cannot see - the path of pain that leads to suicide? It is simply impossible unless you have followed that path of pain to its very end.

To understand and fully comprehend "the inner torture which precedes suicide," the pain, suffering and mental torment, you have to experience it - for it is savagely excruciating. I have experienced that pain, that suffering and torture.

In the months leading up to my serious suicide attempt in May 1994, the dark demons of depression and despair slowly squeezed the life out of me as I was being ravished by uncontrollable stress and anxiety.

My life was meaningless, overwhelmed by helplessness and hopelessness. I was held hostage in a black hole of painful mental misery from which there was no escape, no refuge.

Think about this: How painful was the savage suffering, the torturous torment within me to come to this conclusion - suicide, once a cruel and mortal enemy in my life became a friend I embraced, death by savior.

A simple fact: the inner agony and anguish I suffered was far more painful than any physical illness or injury I have ever had. And a sobering fact, I miraculously survived my suicide attempt and there is no medical reason why.

From my experience I now know the unbearable pain my grandfather, girlfriend and so many others suffered at that moment of no return - when death was a sad and sorrowful solution.

And I learned that a suicidal mind is a closed, self-centered mind, trapped within it self and only focused on the remedy of death - completely unaware of the circumstances of how death will affect family, friends and loved ones.

Suicide is malicious and merciless. Suicide ends a life and as it does, it destroys dreams and steals life from the living. And the pain our loved ones suffered at that moment of no return, is now the pain we have to endure.

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