For The Heart Cries

  James Dickey ends one of his great poems with these words, "Guilt is magical."  And if you have lost a loved one to suicide, you know how maliciously magical it is. For guilt bonds with our suffering sadness and creates maddening misery within us - as we struggle with the five stages of grief. And in this struggle, guilt is painful, it tortures and torments us and becomes an overwhelming burden as we think of all the things we could have done to have prevented our loved one's suicide. But all that we know now, we didn't know then - because the signs that could have prevented the suicide only became visible after the tragedy. Guilt is a false accusation we charge ourselves with - blaming ourselves for something we had no control over but wish we did. As we journey on in life, we will carry the loss of our loved one with us - and the five stages of grief will appear now and then out of nowhere and guilt will tag along not wanting to be left behind. Guilt is magical! H...

  There is a special bond between daughters and fathers, sons and mothers. I was just a kid when my grandfather, my mother's father died by suicide. His death devastated my mother and she became lost in a world of sadness, sorrow and suffering - week after week her eyes red with tears. Our home a tomb of solemn silence. Gradually, life returned to normal. Decades later I became a hostage, held captive by the dark demons of depression and despair - which led to a serious suicide attempt. I ended up in the ICU, on life support and wasn't expected to live. Somehow I survived and was transferred to the hospital's locked psych ward. Four days later I saw my parents for the first time since my attempt - a meeting with my psychologist. Once we were seated, my psychologist looked at my mother and asked, "Mary, what were you feeling, what went through your mind, when you heard that your son was expected to die from suicide after having lost your father to suicide?" My hear...

  "If I could turn back time..." Oh, to turn back time for just one more day - one more day with our loved one. We have often dreamed of that moment, creating an image in our minds that is crystal clear. The two people I have loved the most in my life died by suicide - my grandfather when I was 11 years old, my girlfriend, Anne, when I was 23 years old.  One more day - my grandfather and I are walking up Commonwealth Ave on our way to Fenway Park to watch the Red Sox play the Yankees. It's a great game as the Sox win. After the game we go to the Black Rose and drink pints of Guinness. Just he and I, grandfather and grandson, ever so proud of each other and so happy being together - drinking a few beers on a late afternoon in summer. One of the special pleasures Anne and I enjoyed was going out to breakfast after spending the night together. So, my one more day with Anne would begin with breakfast at the South Street Diner in Boston. Our eyes filled with love as we simply ...

When you kill yourself, this is what happens - you end your life and as you do you steal life from those that love you, destroy their dreams and devastate their lives of all hope. Their shattered souls and broken hearts will never heal, never mend. Your suicide will condemn them to a life sentence of endless nightmares. Their nights will be spent in a flood of tears, not until they fall asleep but until the sun rises - and a new day of sorrowful struggles and suffering begins, day after unending day. Your death will cause so much destructive damage to your family that it will be beyond repair. All will be ruin. They will remember the day you died every day in mournful misery, in sadness and sorrow, in hopelessness and helplessness - forever doomed to a life of agony and anguish. Their minds will ache in brutal pain as they abandon all hope of a peaceful life. Their lives will be spent wandering wearily, not knowing where they are or where they are going - because their life ended with ...

  "All in me wants to quit, no strength to go on...." We have all heard the expressions, hope springs eternal and time heals all wounds. But with the sudden sudden loss of a loved one to suicide, our lives are devastated - hope vanishes, hearts shattered. We become lost in the darkness within ourselves, suffering in silent sadness - our grief agonizingly painful. There are days when we struggle with the burden of moving on with our lives - days of hopelessness and helplessness, depression and despair. Every day we force ourselves to get through the  day and the loneliness of the night as we wonder - how do you move from misery to hope and healing? The answer is, slowly. Hope dies hard and healing does come in time. And it begins with a prayer, a plea, we say to ourselves - either out of frustration, desperation or aggravation - "God, I hope tomorrow is better than today." Those simple words are the spark and with each tomorrow, hope shines a little brighter. And hop...

  "And when the music plays and when the words are touched with sorrow." And when the words are touched with sorrow...When you have lost a loved one to suicide, you often find solace in music - songs of silent sorrow that your heart cherishes as a remembrance of the love you lost. You do not sing along when you hear these  songs, but listen quietly, solemnly - for these songs are like prayers. As you listen, you may mouth the words as tear drops slide softly down your cheeks. But you are not alone in your silent sorrow, for in that brief moment in time you are with your loved one. And as the tears dry, you smile knowing, "Love was all we knew and all I knew was you." Contact:  fortheheartcries@gmail.com

  As the new year begins, my mind wanders and wonders as time passes slowly and silently one second at a time. The past, ever so distant, is now present within my thoughts and I wonder why, why suicide has been such a sorrowful part of my life? Since I was a kid to now, I have lost many loved ones and dear and close friends to suicide. I am filled with sadness as I remember them - knowing that grief has no expiration date. Suicide scares me for the suffering and heartbreak it has caused me - the mental anguish, the burden of struggling on with my life, feelings of depression and despair, of helplessness and hopelessness. My mind travels back to the mid 1990's when I was lost and wandered everywhere but went nowhere. I was told to "make yourself necessary to someone." Months later I adopted a kitten. When I left the shelter I put her in my coat pocket. And as I drove home that day, I had in my pocket a small bundle of hope. She became my hero. And during the very difficult...