February 20, 1994

"Is not man's life on earth a drudgery? I have been assigned months of misery and troubled nights - I am filled with restlessness until dawn. Remember that my life is like the wind, I shall not see happiness again."     Book of Job

I am home this Sunday morning, at rest at Harborview.  It's odd how people on the Cape give their homes a name, emboss the name on expensive quarterboard - and the attach it to the front of the house for all to see.

Our's is Harborview and as I look across the harbor, the sky and sea are a perfect blue. The Coast Guard Cutter is tied to the main dock and the fishing boats are tied to their moorings. All is quiet and at rest except for the seagulls circling the Fish Pier.

This is the last Sunday I'll ever be here at home. Maggie is away this weekend visiting friends - and I am alone with my two best friends, my dog Andy and my cat Yoyo. Never would I have ever believed that two animals could give me such sincere comfort, joy and happiness as they give me this day. Their love for me is true and unconditional - so, too, is my love for them.There are times when I believe that I'll miss Andy and Yoyo more than I'll miss Maggie.

It is a treat being home this weekend. Since come home from Florida in December, I've spent most weekends either staying at the Bradford Inn & Motel or sleeping at the Jack Conway office where I work. Spending the afternoons and evenings getting drunk - drinking beers with friends at the Squire, Wayside Inn and the Impudent Oyster.

I am drinking too much, getting drunk too often - but Budweiser has become my medicine, giving me a few hours of relief from the drudgery and misery that strangles my life.  And Budweiser gives me a few hours of release from the suffocating restlessness of my troubled nights.

I do not blame Maggie for wanting a divorce, but I do fault her for the means she has used to get it. Her viciousness and vengefulness have been soul shattering - her meanness menacing and frightening.

Nor do I blame her for my upcoming suicide. The divorce is just the final burden that has snapped my will to live - a will that has been steadily fading for the past three years. I've grown tired of living, every day a chore - a physical and mental battle for survival which I can no longer fight. I've raised the white flag, I've surrendered.

Since November 1991, when I began stockpiling drugs, I've been standing on the gallows trap door with a noose around my neck. With the divorce, the only thing Maggie is doing is pulling the lever that springs the trap door - and releases me from my misery and pain.

Life can take you where you least expect to go, but have spent a lifetime planning to visit. Death is such a destination.

Like Job, I shall not see happiness again.

12:30pm    -    Harborview    -    Chatham, MA

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com

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