February 26,1994

"Who cares for those on their own? Who cries for those who die alone? Who reaches for those in need? Who listens to those who plead? Who feels for those in pain? Only those who live in vain?
                                                                             Thomas Truelson

I have read that the worst way to die is to realize that when you died no one would care - and what we most crave most in life is that someone, somewhere, remembers and loves us.

On Wednesday, the 23rd, I went to Nickerson Funeral Home here in Chatham and made my funeral arrangements - although I told the director that I was there for a friend who was dying of cancer.  I picked out a casket, chose the type of service I wanted - no wake - and was given all the necessary paperwork, which I'll fill out and put in my safe deposit box.

I want my funeral Mass at Holy Redeemer in Chatham and I want to be buried with my grandparents, George and Catherine Frawley, in Randolph. My grampa and nana are the two people I have truly loved the most in my life - completely and unconditionally. The love between grandparents and grandchild is magical, mystical and miraculous. And I know I loved no woman as I loved my nana. 

  I have always been deeply concerned about how my funeral should be held and where I should be buried - with utter most importance placed on not having a wake.

I hate wakes and have hated them since my grandfather's death in 1957. He was waked at home, -oh, so Irish-Catholic - and during the two days his wake took place, there was food to eat, beverages to drink and people talked about baseball and politics. The whole atmosphere was loud and festive. And I spent those two days wandering around my grandparents' house lost and sad. My best friend in the whole world was dead and I didn't know what to do.

From that day until now, I don't believe I've attended more than five wakes - and know for certain I'll never attend one again, nor will I allow myself to be placed on such display when I'm gone.

After I left the funeral home, I went to the Crosby Monument Company in Harwich - and picked out a small brass plaque that I want placed at the foot of the grave. I want my epitaph, which I haven't written yet, embossed on the plaque.

I have made all these arrangements for two reasons. The first, because they are important to me. Secondly, to spare my parents the bother and burden of all the bullshit paperwork etc. I have added my parents to my safe deposit boxes, and once I fill out the paperwork all the necessary forms will be there for them when I die.

I am alone in the office this morning. It is snowing, there have been a few calls and no one has stopped in. I'll spend the afternoon and evening drinking at the bars downtown, then sleep here tonight.

I've come to believe that only those who have suffered  can have empathy for those in pain. Only those who have lived on the edge of desperation can feel the anguish of those in despair. And only those who have lived in vain can one find all that is humane.

And I've come to realize that when I die, the woman I love will not care - but I hope that someday she'll forget the person I've become and remember and love me for the person I once was.

11:30am   -    Jack Conway Office   -   Chatham, MA

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

WHEN YOU KILL YOURSELF

When you kill yourself, this is what happens - you end your life and as you do you steal life from those that love you, destroy their dreams and devastate their lives of all hope. Their shattered souls and broken hearts will never heal, never mend. Your suicide will condemn them to a life sentence of endless nightmares. Their nights will be spent in a flood of tears, not until they fall asleep but until the sun rises - and a new day of sorrowful struggles and suffering begins, day after unending day. Your death will cause so much destructive damage to your family that it will be beyond repair. All will be ruin. They will remember the day you died every day in mournful misery, in sadness and sorrow, in hopelessness and helplessness - forever doomed to a life of agony and anguish. Their minds will ache in brutal pain as they abandon all hope of a peaceful life. Their lives will be spent wandering wearily, not knowing where they are or where they are going - because their life ended with
Read more

SUICIDE: THE STORM BEFORE THE CALM

  The storm! The storm usually begins with feelings of sadness, a lack of interest, being withdrawn, a sense of loneliness. In time these feelings deepen into depression and despair - overwhelming and painful mental anguish engulfed in helplessness and hopelessness. Thoughts of suicide - and as the storm rages, intensifies, suicide becomes the solution.  Family and friends are worried by the unusual and uncharacteristic behavior - what to do? But once suicide is decided, plans made, a day decided - peacefulness prevails, the storm passes, all is calm - a sense of normalcy returns, family and friends are relieved and relaxed. But it is at this time that family and friends should be more attentive, most vigilant - for it is in this calmness that death often arrives. Contact: fortheheartcries.blogspot.com
Read more

MOURNING FOR MY LIFE

  "I am in mourning for my life."  Anton Chekhov I mourn. Suicide has been part of my life since I was eleven years old. I have lost the two people I have loved the most in my life to suicide. I have lost childhood friends, classmates and neighbors. Suicide is a dark shadow from which I cannot escape - it may not always be visible but it is always there. As time passes. as I grow older, I have this fear - what I am most afraid of: that sometime in the future, I will wake up one morning and start a slow silent stroll towards suicide - or maybe I have been on that journey since I was eleven and don't even know it - as I am in mourning for my life. Contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com  
Read more