April 3, 1994
Easter Sunday

"I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in Me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in Me will never die.  Do you believe this?
                                                                Gospel of John

The forty days of Lent force us to focus on remorse and reconciliation, and to fast, abstain and sacrifice.  And from those dark days we awake to bloom in the beauty and brightness of Easter - and proudly proclaim the radical revelation of the resurrection and redemption, of renewal and rebirth.

Lord, I do believe You but sometimes I have doubts.  What happens after death is life's greatest mystery and the hope of the afterlife is comprehended only by faith alone.  Is the resurrection Christianity's Easter carrot to keep us virtuous, to keep us from going mad from the senselessness of life every time a loved one dies?  Is it a frivolous fable in which we have placed our faith?  Or is it a story that enriches and gives meaning to life?  Yes, Lord, I believe, for the hope of an afterlife is the only hope I have.

I have no joy this Easter morning, no happiness.  To be happy one needs to be able to feel goodness, to enjoy simply, to give freely, to adore life and to love and be loved - all of which are missing from my life. I am hollow on this hallowed day, empty of all emotions except sadness and depression.  I am alone, another holiday alone - starting with Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, my birthday and Saint Patrick's Day.  There is some good news, this is my last holiday alone.

An observation this Easter morning - the major difference between Catholics and Protestants is not a matter of dogma and beliefs but in dress.  Protestants go to church better dressed than Catholics, not just on Easter but every Sunday, even those during the dog days of summer.  There is a casualness about how Catholics dress for church that borders on disrespect - even this morning there were people dressed at Mass in jeans, shorts and T-shirts. I was in jeans.

In a few hours I'll be going to Kevin and Anne's for dinner - will see my parents and the kids, Casey and Kevy.  I'll put on a happy face which is becoming harder and harder to do.  This will be the last time we'll all be alive and together as a family.  The next time my family gets together will be for my funeral.

Who knows where the time goes? Who knows what time holds?  They are the mysteries of the past and future, but what's known is that time is a thief, often full of disbelief.  Although I cannot undo what's been done, I can control what is to be. The mystery of the resurrection sustains me. Yes, Lord, I do believe and I seek death so that I may find peace.

9:30am   -   Holy Redeemer   -   Chatham, MA

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

WHEN YOU KILL YOURSELF

When you kill yourself, this is what happens - you end your life and as you do you steal life from those that love you, destroy their dreams and devastate their lives of all hope. Their shattered souls and broken hearts will never heal, never mend. Your suicide will condemn them to a life sentence of endless nightmares. Their nights will be spent in a flood of tears, not until they fall asleep but until the sun rises - and a new day of sorrowful struggles and suffering begins, day after unending day. Your death will cause so much destructive damage to your family that it will be beyond repair. All will be ruin. They will remember the day you died every day in mournful misery, in sadness and sorrow, in hopelessness and helplessness - forever doomed to a life of agony and anguish. Their minds will ache in brutal pain as they abandon all hope of a peaceful life. Their lives will be spent wandering wearily, not knowing where they are or where they are going - because their life ended with
Read more

MOURNING FOR MY LIFE

  "I am in mourning for my life."  Anton Chekhov I mourn. Suicide has been part of my life since I was eleven years old. I have lost the two people I have loved the most in my life to suicide. I have lost childhood friends, classmates and neighbors. Suicide is a dark shadow from which I cannot escape - it may not always be visible but it is always there. As time passes. as I grow older, I have this fear - what I am most afraid of: that sometime in the future, I will wake up one morning and start a slow silent stroll towards suicide - or maybe I have been on that journey since I was eleven and don't even know it - as I am in mourning for my life. Contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com  
Read more

SUICIDE: THE STORM BEFORE THE CALM

  The storm! The storm usually begins with feelings of sadness, a lack of interest, being withdrawn, a sense of loneliness. In time these feelings deepen into depression and despair - overwhelming and painful mental anguish engulfed in helplessness and hopelessness. Thoughts of suicide - and as the storm rages, intensifies, suicide becomes the solution.  Family and friends are worried by the unusual and uncharacteristic behavior - what to do? But once suicide is decided, plans made, a day decided - peacefulness prevails, the storm passes, all is calm - a sense of normalcy returns, family and friends are relieved and relaxed. But it is at this time that family and friends should be more attentive, most vigilant - for it is in this calmness that death often arrives. Contact: fortheheartcries.blogspot.com
Read more