April 4, 1994
Easter Monday

"The opposite of love is not hate but apathy."
                           John LeCarre  - A Small Town In Germany

A month ago today I left my home. Earlier this evening I walked into the house for the first time since then - to some clothes, a couple of notebooks and a few books.  Andy and Yoyo were oh, so happy to see me. Andy jumped up on me, licked my face and the followed me as I walked through the house. Yoyo kept brushing herself against me.  I finally picked her up and she put paws on my face, rubbing them along my cheeks - she was purring so loud I thought she was going to explode into an eruption of ecstasy.  While I held Yoyo, Andy kept looking up at me smiling and barking cheerfully.

They remembered me and still loved me, and their behavior showed that they missed me and wanted me home. As much as I wanted to cry with joy, I forced myself to suppress the tears. But when I got back into the car I cried tears of sadness.

Although Maggie knew I was coming, she was not happy to see me - no emotional greeting except for a slanting, sarcastic smirk and a sloping scowl that are becoming permanent fixtures on her face.She told me that her mother was coming back from Florida on May 8th - the earliest Deb has returned to the Cape since we got married in 1981.  Maggie  said she would like my possessions gone by then because she doesn't want a confrontation between Deb and me.

I lied and told her I would do my best  to have everything out of the house before her mother returns.  But nothing will be out of the house before I die - I'll blame some unsuspecting moving company and get Maggie to extend the deadline a few days beyond our agreement date of May 15th.  What happens then is beyond my care and control.

Maggie hates me, I see it in her face and hear it in her words.  I believe she will see my death as a happy ending.  I have begun yo look at Maggie with indifference and must transform love and hate into apathy - to be absent of all emotions and feelings toward her.  It will be some trick if I can do it and until I do, I'll hide in the illusion that I am succeeding.

8:00pm   -   Bradford Inn   -   Chatham, MA


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