February 28, 1994

"You do not find fear so amusing when it is you who is afraid."
                                                   J. P. Donleavy - Beastly Beatitudes

I feel like a man on death row who has lost his final appeal and the execution date is firmly set - and there's absolutely no hope that the day and time can be changed - no pardon, no clemency.

On Friday I must leave my home, my love for Maggie and the gentle kindness of my companions, Andy and Yoyo. I must walk out the front door and up the courtyard - I'll be able to glance back but never able to return. I must continually walk forward until I reach the place where all time, past, present and future meets - which is the moment of death

Last week at the library I was reading some back issues of different magazines and came across an article, a review, of a nun in Louisiana who is a spiritual counselor to inmates on death row and has written a book called Dead Man Walking. The article mentioned that guards and inmates refer to the death row prisoners as he walks from his jail cell to the execution chamber as a dead man walking.

Jesus, what a phrase! Dead Man Walking! That's me, a dead man walking!  A dead man period! A dead man breathing! A walking dead man! As I walk out of my house on Friday and start up the courtyard, I'll most definitely be a dead man walking. Jesus, what I would have given to have coined that phrase!

Come Friday I will be homeless both literally and figuratively. When I walk out the front door, I really have no place to call home, no place to go. Yes, I am going to my parents for a few days, but  what then? To Florida for a few weeks, but what then? To Ireland for the month of May, but what then? To the cemetery to rest in peace, a home at last.

Next to killing myself, the best decision I've made was to stop arguing and challenging Maggie on  the divorce settlement. In return there have been fewer arguments and she granted me a major concession - the date when I have to have all my possession out of the house has been extended from May 1st to May 15th. I didn't tell her I have more important plans for the 15th, that my schedule for that day is filled.

Am grateful for one thing this day, that this isn't a leap year. I don't believe I can live one more day than is necessary. I end the month of February fragile and frighten. I had a college professor who once said that the one emotion all living creatures shared, from human beings to dust mites, is fear. And it is totally true that fear isn't amusing when it is you who is afraid.

But there is solace in this certainty, I am a dead man walking, my life is lingering on death's doorstep and that is a blessing.

4:00pm   -   Harborview   -   Chatham, MA

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