March 2, 1994

"Lord, do not deal with us as our sins deserve."
                                   Book of Psalms

Sometimes I wonder if there really is a God, sometimes I doubt His existence. And if there is a God, does He hear our pleas and prayers or does He look down upon us with indifference, maybe even disdain?  Does He find all of our pleads and prayers annoying? Have we become more bother than we are worth? Constant whiners who are never satisfied nor pleased with what we have? Has He ever reconsidered His creation of the heavens and earth, replacing man with a more likable creature?

The last time my prayers were answered was in 1982 when my father had heart by-pass surgery and the operation was a success. From the first day that I met Maggie, I thought she was an answer to a prayer. But I don't feel that way today.

From my parents upbringing and from my Catholic education, I have always believed in the power of prayer. But over the past four years I have become a doubting Thomas - about God and prayer, about justice and mercy. During these four years I have prayed more than I have ever done in the past, as well as going to church almost everyday - either to Mass or for a short visit.

And what has happened during this time? I lost my job at the Cape Cod Times. My court case against them ended with a settlement that was symbolic, not substantial. My life has deteriorated and my marriage has dissolved. I have walked in the footsteps of Job, one disappointed, one failure after another. As I have prayed harder, my doubts about God have grown deeper and I have become less sincere and more sinful.

Today, I don't know what I believe. I just stumble and struggle onward -and hope and pray that God understands me and knows how I feel better than I do. That He overlooks my sins and weaknesses and instead recognizes what little goodness I have. And that when He judges me, He realizes that I do not seek justice but His mercy and forgiveness.

11:30am   -   Harborview   -   Chatham, MA

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