March 21, 1994
Feast of Saint Benedict
Today's cartoon in the Saint Petersburg Times, Hagar and his sidekick are at a crossroads. There is a signpost with two signs pointing in different directions. One sign reads, "Point Of No Return" -the other, ""Path Of Least Resistance" - and Hagar is yelling, "Guess!."
Chris Browne - Hagar The Horrible
This is a very painful day. Although Saint Leo College and Saint Leo Abbey hold many happy memories, what I remember most this morning is my two day visit back in December - Thursday the 9th and Friday the 10th. A few days earlier Maggie had told me that she wanted a divorce and not to come home. The two days I spent here I wad a nervous and an emotional wreck - lost, bewildered and frightened.
How I survived those two days I'll never know. I remember spending hours walking around the Abbey and college grounds mumbling to myself - and spent hours sitting in the Grotto lost in thought. I was a wretched soul. Before I left on Saturday I called her and had to beg her to pick me up in Hyannis and let me stay at home. Reluctantly she agreed - such a random act of kindness.
Those memories, or rather nightmares, I relived this morning as I sat in the Abbey Church. I'll be haunted by those days in December right up until my hour of death. I didn't pray, just reflected on time past, time present and time to come.
As I walked around the campus last December and again this morning, what struck me most was how young the students look. It is hard to imagine that I was that age once and looked so young - as was Mimi, John, Mary Jane, Kay and Peter. Yes, youth is wasted on the young, just as wisdom is wasted on the old. I first came here in August 1967, the summer of the "Impossible Dream" Red Sox and graduated in April 1970, a few weeks before Kent State. As I look back, is doesn't seem that long ago.
Back in December I spent Friday afternoon reading in the college library. Sitting nearby were two students also reading. After awhile they came over to me and introduced themselves, her name was Robin and his name I've forgotten - and then they said they wanted to talk to me. I asked them why. They said because I looked interesting - God's honest truth!
Anyway, we talked for the next few hours. I told them of my years at Saint Leo, being editor of the college paper, the protests of the late 60's and the wild times at the campus bar, Club '67. They were truly fascinated by my stories and for a few hours they brought joy into my life - for a few hours they made me forget the nightmare I was living. When I finish writing this entry, I'm going to look
for Robin, to thank her and tell her how much that afternoon meant to me.
Later, I am going to write my last letter to Maggie which will be mailed after I'm dead. Here, with its memories of last December, is a good place to write her my final words - whatever they may be.
What road to take: "path of no return" or the "path of least resistance?" Lately I've been traveling on the path of most resistance, trudging along and going nowhere. Thus the path I choose has been chosen for me - the path of no return. Because you can't return from a place that isn't here, nor return to a place that has disappeared.
10:00am - Saint Leo College Library - Saint Leo, Florida
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
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