March 26, 1994

"How does it feel! How does it feel! To be on your own with no direction home like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone.
                                                           Bob Dylan  -  Like A Rolling Stone

Simple, small everyday things that surround us daily can suddenly bring me to tears. This morning I stopped at McDonald's in Fredericksburg, Virginia. When I came out there was a car parked next to mine, with a dog poking its head out the window. The dog was looking towards McDonald, it's tongue out and it was smiling and laughing - waiting for its master and probably hoping for an Egg McMuffin with hash browns.

I began to think of Andy and Yoyo and how much I miss them. I wonder if they are in the den looking out the window, waiting for me to walk down the courtyard and open the front door? Do they miss me and wait or have they grown accustomed to my absence?  Towards them, my heart has grown fonder. Just as was leaving for Florida in November, Maggie said, "I think you love them more than you love me." I replied, "I love you most of all." But she was right, somehow she looked into my heart that morning and saw that she was in third place.

My mood and feelings about Maggie change with each tide and with each phase of the moon.  But regardless of my changing feelings, I know this to be true - my memories of Maggie no longer have meaning, no longer have life.   What was made has begun to fade.

As I drove South a few weeks ago, nature became warmer and brighter, more alive and colorful, with each passing mile.  Now, as I drive North, nature becomes colder and darker, more barren and drearier with every mile. And as the miles pass, my life and mood begin to reflect the bleak landscape as I return to the tomb of my unhappiness.

For two weeks I escaped from the harshness of winter, but couldn't find refuge from my thoughts.  Every day as I strolled through the historic district in Saint Augustine, I would see couples, of all ages, holding hands and laughing, kissing softly and silently - and I would dream of happier times with Maggie. And as my thoughts wandered I would weave the dream into a nightmare of bitterness, despair and disappointment.  This is what I have learned, misery doesn't want company, happiness does.

Although I am on m,y own and at times a complete unknown, I am not a rolling stone.  I'm simply a man alone who will soon be buried beneath a gravestone.

5:15pm   -   Ramada Inn   -   Newburgh, New York

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

WHEN YOU KILL YOURSELF

When you kill yourself, this is what happens - you end your life and as you do you steal life from those that love you, destroy their dreams and devastate their lives of all hope. Their shattered souls and broken hearts will never heal, never mend. Your suicide will condemn them to a life sentence of endless nightmares. Their nights will be spent in a flood of tears, not until they fall asleep but until the sun rises - and a new day of sorrowful struggles and suffering begins, day after unending day. Your death will cause so much destructive damage to your family that it will be beyond repair. All will be ruin. They will remember the day you died every day in mournful misery, in sadness and sorrow, in hopelessness and helplessness - forever doomed to a life of agony and anguish. Their minds will ache in brutal pain as they abandon all hope of a peaceful life. Their lives will be spent wandering wearily, not knowing where they are or where they are going - because their life ended with
Read more

MOURNING FOR MY LIFE

  "I am in mourning for my life."  Anton Chekhov I mourn. Suicide has been part of my life since I was eleven years old. I have lost the two people I have loved the most in my life to suicide. I have lost childhood friends, classmates and neighbors. Suicide is a dark shadow from which I cannot escape - it may not always be visible but it is always there. As time passes. as I grow older, I have this fear - what I am most afraid of: that sometime in the future, I will wake up one morning and start a slow silent stroll towards suicide - or maybe I have been on that journey since I was eleven and don't even know it - as I am in mourning for my life. Contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com  
Read more

SUICIDE: THE STORM BEFORE THE CALM

  The storm! The storm usually begins with feelings of sadness, a lack of interest, being withdrawn, a sense of loneliness. In time these feelings deepen into depression and despair - overwhelming and painful mental anguish engulfed in helplessness and hopelessness. Thoughts of suicide - and as the storm rages, intensifies, suicide becomes the solution.  Family and friends are worried by the unusual and uncharacteristic behavior - what to do? But once suicide is decided, plans made, a day decided - peacefulness prevails, the storm passes, all is calm - a sense of normalcy returns, family and friends are relieved and relaxed. But it is at this time that family and friends should be more attentive, most vigilant - for it is in this calmness that death often arrives. Contact: fortheheartcries.blogspot.com
Read more