March 3, 1994
"Do not judge others and God will not judge you. Do not condemn others and God will not condemn you. Forgive others and God will forgive you."
Gospel of Luke
I believe Mimi and I got married this day in 1970, by a Justice of the Peace in Dade City, Florida - witnessed by our good friends John and Kay. If I haven't ask for a divorce a few years later, we would be celebrating twenty-four years together. "IF" - my whole life has been one "if" after another. I am so tired of that word, even writing it is a chore. But anyway, I think of Mimi often and what might have been. All my memories of her are warm and full of kindness. She loved me and I didn't care - fewer words are sadder to write.
At the beginning of Mass we ask God to forgive our sins, the sins we have committed in our thoughts, in our words and in our deeds and actions - in what we have done and in what we failed to do. Later in the Mass, during the Our Father we ask God, "to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."
I had a college professor, in an Ethics in Law Philosophy course, who that phrase as an example of an oral contract. And that's exactly what it is, a clear and concise contract between God and man.
I believe that to say those words is to be bound by them - and that God is going to judge us and forgive us exactly as we judge and forgive others. But to forgive others for injury and harm, for pain and suffering, for meanness and cruelty is a most difficult thing to do. There is a part of me that wants to do harm, physical harm, to Maggie, her family and friends. But the good angel in me wants to just curse them to a lifetime of misery.
I know I cannot act on such desires. I must forgive them, must try to forgive them. But I don't think I have enough time to do so. Forgiveness comes in time and my time is running out. I am bitter, angry, hurt and disappointed by the actions, behavior and words of Maggie, her friends and her mother, Deb.
Sometimes it is the small things that hurt the most, that are the most difficult to forget and the hardest to forgive. Like the time one night when I was reading under a 60 watt bulb and Maggie tells me that I'm using too much electricity. Or on these bitter cold nights when she leaves the heat in her living room and bedroom at 66 degrees and the heat at 56 degrees in the den where I read and sleep. On such nights I go to bed under five blankets and still freeze. For weeks now I've been praying that the water pipes will freeze and burst - but like all my prayers, it goes unanswered.
It makes me wonder what type of God they believe in, what type of religion they practice, what words of God they hear and what kind of prayers they offer? "Do not judge others and God will not judge you." But I judge and wonder why?
At Mass last Sunday, the priest said this in his sermon, "Do not criticize me for not practicing what I preach, but be thankful that I do not preach what I practice." Good words which I've spent a lifetime following.
There are wounds that time cannot heal, there are hurts that can never be completely forgotten nor forgiven - and there are painful deeds from the past that will forever remain in the present.
But I pray - Lord, please heal the wounds and hurts that divide us. And Lord, I beg You, please do not deal with me as my sins deserve.
12:00pm - Harborview - Chatham, MA
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