March 5,1994

"We all have faults we haven't even used yet."
                        Walter Kelly   -    Pogo

Starting this journal has been a blessing, since it has allowed me to relieve some of the frustrations, anger and uncertainties I have about the divorce and the people involved. What has also helped is the realization that suicide is my salvation - the simple solution to the torments that have ravished me these past three months.  Sometimes at night the thoughts of suicide can calm me and help me sleep.

It is important that I write this fact, I have never touched Maggie in anger nor have I ever been verbally abusive. We had our share of arguments and disagreements but none ever got out of control. And when peace returned we would hug, kiss and apologize. My faults are many but abuse, in all its ugly forms, is not one of them.

Some of my faults, basically I am a loner which for obvious reasons can be unhealthy in a marriage. I preferred the company of a few and was always uneasy in a crowd. I have a tendency to keep things to myself, particularly things I knew would upset or hurt Maggie. I was never easy for me to deliver bad news, yet it was a fault I kept repeating. I've been overly aggressive nor ambitious and these faults bothered Maggie.

Although I never had an affair while I was married, neither wanted one nor looked for one - Maggie told me a few weeks ago that she wished I had been unfaithful because it would have made the divorce that much easier for her. Cross my heart, that's the God honest truth! How much easier could it have been? I gave her just about everything she wanted and in return she all but tarred and feathered me.

Anyway, I know my faults and weaknesses have hurt Maggie. There are somethings about a person's character, manners, ways and personality that can never changed. They are so ingrained that regardless of how hard a person tries to change them, they remain embedded and  are always surfacing.

Some faults, like original sin and its consequences, I was born with and they ate my curse - and that doesn't include the faults I'm unaware of and those I haven't even used yet.

1:00pm   -   Eldredge Library   -   Chatham, MA
             


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